Welcome to Titus Two Saturdays (TTS) at the MOB Society!
Does it seem to you that there is a shortage of older women who are making themselves available to speak into the lives of younger women? Because we know how important that is, every Saturday we ask a couple of women from our Titus Two team to answer a question that has been featured in our Question From A Boymom series.
This weeks question:
“I need prayer for my 13 year old boy. He has decided in the last few months that he doesn’t believe in God and he refuses to go to church. I am a single mom and I get no support from my son’s father. He needs to be in a church environment and have positive men in his life. I try and have a “grown up” conversation with him and I end up in tears or yelling at him. It really hurts because I became involved with the student ministry this year and I feel like the worlds worst mother. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to pour into other kids because my own kid won’t go to church.”
First of all, you are not the world’s worst mother. Your son has a mind of his own. You are doing what you know to do and encouraging him to go to church and pursue God. You are being faithful. Be encouraged!
The best thing you can do is:
- Be in prayer for your son. Ask God to do a work in his heart. God is able to change his heart, you are not!
- Be in prayer for yourself. Ask God to help you to relate to your son in a controlled manner. You already see that tears and yelling do nothing to help the situation. Continue the discussion as you are able, and then try to listen more than you speak. You might learn a little bit more about why he is feeling the way he is. He already knows you want him to go to church. He probably even realizes he needs to be there.
- Love him unconditionally. Ask God to show you how you can love your son each day. Ask God to help you show him grace, and to give you ways that you can encourage him, focusing on the things he is doing well. Don’t allow the fact that he is not interested in church be the thing that creates division in your relationship. Find other ways to pursue your son and love him no matter what.
- Be authentic (not perfect!). Live your faith in a consistent manner and your son will see your example. Your life will speak volumes to him. He is living life with you. The way you interact with him, and the way you live out your faith, will be greatly used as a tool for God to point your boy towards his Savior.
I know it is easy to become fearful when our children are resisting us, especially when it comes to spiritual matters. But we need to see these times as an opportunity to press into God and ask Him to work in our child’s heart. God is always working, even when we can’t see it!
Your boy has entered a season when sons often strain to make truth their own. They are prone to influence by peers and impressionable in their closest relationships. Though you’re a single mom, you aren’t his single influence. You are wise to recognize his need for other influencers of faith in his life right now. But, you’re not alone in struggling to have godly conversations between mom and son or in feeling the pain when things implode. Your heart for your son comes through loud and clear. Let’s talk about him first, because we know you’re called to mother him first.
- Bless your son through your faith. Even while our boys make decisions about where faith fits in life, they benefit from the fruit of God’s Spirit in their mom’s life. A mom’s close walk with God produces a fragrance that sweetens life for a young man, even though he may not have the maturity yet to appreciate it. You can still bless your boy through your faith.
- Reach your son through your faith. Nothing impacts the direction of a boy’s path like the example of a parent pursuing Christ. You don’t have to be perfect to steer him toward Jesus, but he needs to see evidence of your life change. As he watches you face life’s challenges (even challenges HE creates), he will notice if you experience peace beyond his understanding in the midst of your storm. God can use the testimony of your faith to reach your son.
- You’re definitely called to reach your son, but you are also gifted to reach other students. You have one of the most important qualities needed to minister to young people: personal certainty that we need Jesus and life is empty without Him. Other students like your son long to see authentic faith modeled by adults within their reach.
- Your boy is watching and listening for genuine faith. Bless him. Reach him. I know it’s hard to believe, but God wants your boy to choose Him even more than you do. God Himself is working to reach your boy. Join Him by adding the sweet fragrance of a mom who blossoms in her imperfect, but persevering, walk of faith.
Great advice! My son is 21 and didn’t “buck” against the beliefs he grew up with, until recently, when he went off to college. All the influences of the professors, other students, and curriculum was too much of an influence on him and he’s fallen into believing the lies they told him. But, just like your advice says, stay committed in your own faith, love him, and pray, pray, pray!!!! I also dealt with having difficulty carrying on discussions with him (getting emotional and arguing) and have had to back off and let God work in his heart in His own way. I know, as a mom, it hurts like HE…double hockey stick to see your son rebel. But, you are NOT a bad mom. Your heart is in the right place, if you are turning to the Lord for help!! Only He can change a heart of stone!!
Ann, I am praying for your son right now! As a mom, It has got to be THE HARDEST thing on earth to keep our mouth shut and pray! But in my experience, it is really the best thing. In a recent situation with my own son (age 20) I was so tempted to speak up, but God kept telling me to pray more than I speak. I gave input when it seemed appropriate, but mostly prayed and tried to encourage him. God really used that in his life and mine! What it did was helped my son learn how to make the big choices for himself. It was used to help him actually OWN his convictions. I am so grateful! Pray hard, Ann! I am praying for you right now!Gina
http://www.reallifetitustwo.com
This is all wonderful advice as it not only pertains to sons, but daughters, also…but my question in all of this advice, is do you “force” them to go to church? If they refuse to go to church, refuse to go to youth group, refuse to serve, refuse to even listen or talk about anything God-related, is there anything else that can be done?
Dawn, I would say that you should talk with your husband about it and pray for wisdom. I’m not in that situation, so I can’t say what I would do. I can’t say what YOU should do. I would just really pray for wisdom!
We are currently going through this right now with my 15 year old son. I completely understand the crazy emotions, he announced it to me one more morning on the way to school and I felt sucker punched. I sent up a quick prayer and tried to gather myself. The two most important things I think we are doing is 1) not arguing with him or making him defend his beliefs. I try my very best to show him Christ in my actions and words. If I basically pick a fight with him over his belief I am not showing Christ’s love. Of course I pray like crazy and I encourage him in anything that he does that shows he still has “seeds” planted in his heart about the One True God. He is not allowed to be blatantly disrespectful about God/church/religion or use God’s name in vain.2) Not forcing “church”. My husband and I talked and felt that we needed to find a compromise. We have a fantastic church but our youth program is wonderful and our youth pastors have experience dealing with teens who are pushing back, questioning, etc. We decided it wasn’t valuable (in the end) for Taylor to come sit in a pew on Sunday morning. But he would get so much more from the smaller, more active youth group setting. That was our compromise: he doesn’t have to go on Sunday but he has to go on Wednesday. Participation is up to him (he usually does some) but he is required to listen and act respectfully.
Awesome post! I would encourage the mothers in this situation to take a deep breath and get ready to take things a step further. It’s actually easier to GO to church versus BEING the church. They are NOT one in the same and around years 9-15 our kids are beginning to see that. 1) Please consider stepping away from serving in the ministry for a season. Tell your son you are going to do this for him although it means a lot to you. Growing up in ministry, I’ve seen countless families and children be put on the back burner because of the mother’s or father’s “calling to serve” in ministry. It’s not worth sacrificing your son for the sake of other’s children. The other kids will be ok, someone else will step up, your responsibility is to your son first. If you are a single mom AND you work. Your time is precious. This means the time your son has with you is shared between work, school and now ministry and that time is going to other kids. What a statement you will make telling your son I’m stepping away from student ministry to focus on our relationship, what’s important to you and what God has for you and I. 2) Stop GOING to church on certain Sundays (as all the readers GASP!!!) Plan to do things Jesus would do if He was walking the earth right now (and He wouldn’t be in most of our churches). He would be at the homeless shelters, He would spend time with His disciples, He would feed the hungry, He would care for the widows, orphans, sick and elderly. Wake up one Sunday and go get breakfast. Talk about your son’s world. Pray WITH your son. Ask him to pray for you. Talk about what God wants the church to look like “lived through your family.” Who does God want you and your son to touch. What God wants your son to do for Him while on this earth. Then ask your son to do some service projects with you. You don’t need to give up every Sunday, but there is only so much time we have in a week. Tell him thank you for opening your eyes that there is more to church than just going. We need to BE it! 3) Lastly, remind your son how real God is with tangible evidence. Here are some that I use and you can probably google or youtube this stuff. a) God puts the leaves back on the trees every spring without fail….like never fails…even in droughts. b) God is the creator of the body. Dare him to try to keep his eyes open without blinking. Can’t do it because God designed our eyeballs to be moistened. Discuss the heart and how it works. How He designed a self-healing body. Point to a scar and discuss how it healed. Take a trip to the beach and discuss the waters and the sand etc. There are things all around us that points to our Creator. He might not like going to His church, but he’ll have to believe in Him 🙂 Forgive me for the long post, I hope you find something helpful here. Be encouraged mommy! You got this! http://www.allinmom.com
I’ve personally not encountered this situation.But this week my church newsletter featured this same question.And our youth pastor wrote beautifully on it.On how church is not debatable.When I was a tenager i didnt want to go to church either,but my mom would never have it anyother way.She didn’t have much of my dads support either,but she was like a dog with a bone.The last word “YOU HAVE GOT TO GO TO CHURCH!”
We don’t let our children drop out of schools just because they don’t want to,if school which is worldly has much preference ,so must Church which nourishes the inward man.
Hey mom will keep you in my prayers and pray for your little young man.hopefully he likes the church he goes to,or finds a youth related one which he can enjoy
http://www.godlyindianmom.com/
https://www.facebook.com/godlyindianmom
Awesome post! I would encourage the mothers in this situation to take a deep breath and get ready to take things a step further. It’s actually easier to GO to church versus BEING the church. They are NOT one in the same and around years 9-15 our kids are beginning to see that.
1) Please consider stepping away from serving in the ministry for a season. Tell your son you are going to do this for him although it means a lot to you. Growing up in ministry, I’ve seen countless families and children be put on the back burner because of the mother’s or father’s “calling to serve” in ministry. It’s not worth sacrificing your son for the sake of other’s children. The other kids will be ok, someone else will step up, your responsibility is to your son first. If you are a single mom AND you work. Your time is precious. This means the time your son has with you is shared between work, school and now ministry and that time is going to other kids. What a statement you will make telling your son I’m stepping away from student ministry to focus on our relationship, what’s important to you and what God has for you and I.
2) Stop GOING to church on certain Sundays (as all the readers GASP!!!) Plan to do things Jesus would do if He was walking the earth right now (and He wouldn’t be in most of our churches). He would be at the homeless shelters, He would spend time with His disciples, He would feed the hungry, He would care for the widows, orphans, sick and elderly. Wake up one Sunday and go get breakfast. Talk about your son’s world. Pray WITH your son. Ask him to pray for you. Talk about what God wants the church to look like “lived through your family.” Who does God want you and your son to touch. What God wants your son to do for Him while on this earth. Then ask your son to do some service projects with you. You don’t need to give up every Sunday, but there is only so much time we have in a week. Tell him thank you for opening your eyes that there is more to church than just going. We need to BE it!
3) Lastly, remind your son how real God is with tangible evidence. Here are some that I use and you can probably google or youtube this stuff. a) God puts the leaves back on the trees every spring without fail….like never fails…even in droughts. b) God is the creator of the body. Dare him to try to keep his eyes open without blinking. Can’t do it because God designed our eyeballs to be moistened. Discuss the heart and how it works. How He designed a self-healing body. Point to a scar and discuss how it healed. Take a trip to the beach and discuss the waters and the sand etc. There are things all around us that points to our Creator. He might not like going to His church, but he’ll have to believe in Him 🙂
Forgive me for the long post, I hope you find something helpful here. Be encouraged mommy! You got this! http://www.allinmom.com
Love your suggestions, Melanie! Excellent ideas.
I love your advice so practical :).This will be something I will keep i mind 🙂
A Letter to my son:
So, You Don’t believe in God…..
You tell me all the time you don’t want to go to church.
You tell me I shouldn’t make you go.
You ask me why do I make you go when you don’t even believe in God.
I sit here and think of all the things I want to say. Making a mental list in my head of the reasons why. I think no matter what I say, It’s not going to matter because you already have it set in your mind. It’s a done deal. Every Sunday morning it’s the same thing. Same argument.
You are 15 and you choose to be an independent thinker. You make up your own mind. You know what you want and what you believe, and you stand proudly and somewhat defiantly. You choose to make it your own way. I can admire that. That is a respectful quality to have. I was just like you when I was 15.
I love you so much, because in you , I see me. Exactly how I was at your age. You’re me/ I am you. The difference is when I was 15, I did not have “ME”. I did not have anyone like me in my life who was not going to give up on me. What you don’t see is:…..You….. Have……”Me”.
You are blessed. You have a gift —”ME”. I love you so much, that I will never give up on you.
Another difference is when I was young, I was never given the choice to learn about Jesus and what the bible says. Sure I was taught not to lie and steal, but I was never given the gift of a church family when I was young. I was never taught how to grow a relationship with Jesus. I was never given the strong foundation —the strong “roots” I would need to grow. Without that foundation I never knew how I was going to struggle 100 times more through my teens and young adulthood. I wasn’t given the choice of building the bricks of my foundation when I was young. It was done for me by my parents. There was no learning, no growing, no strength building.
You don’t have a choice either. You will have the gift of a good church family. You will build strong bricks for your foundation, and you will grow strong roots. Until you are eighteen or living out on your own. You may not feel it. You may not know how important this life education is, but there will come a time –in fact there will be many very incredibly hard times — that you will be thankful for that brick foundation.
You ask me why do I make you go when you don’t even believe in God.
Because I love you.
And I will never give up on you.
Love,
Mom