Dinner ends and the dishwasher hums. The kids finally sleep and my husband works upstairs while I sink into my favorite living room chair alone.
I yearn to sit with a friend—to rehash my day, laugh about the silly things, and delve into deep connection about the weighty things, but I haven’t had a best friend for a long time and it’s no one’s fault but my own.
When my life fell apart in my late twenties, all my friendships vanished except one. Building new, authentic, and connected relationships over the past fifteen years has proven to be like walking up a descending escalator—climbing toward closeness for awhile, then drifting downward again, as distance and busyness block the way.
I have friends, but not daily ones. There’s a distinct difference between a once-a-month connection and a close friend. Often, I sit alone in that chair at the end of the day and loneliness crushes me like a vice.
Being alone doesn’t cause loneliness, but all lonely people feel alone.
Over the years I’ve pondered how to step onto the ascending escalator which takes me to a close friend. I dream of her finding me, pursuing me, being asked instead of doing the asking. I ache from the loneliness and long for that ache to be caused by a temporary acute virus instead of a chronic illness of my own soul.
In situations of loneliness I’ve heard it said that Jesus is all I need. It’s a tightly packaged response with an over-spiritualized and overly simplistic conclusion.
I already have Jesus in my life every day, and Jesus is not all I need.
Jesus sees me and knows me and loves me no matter what. He is with me always. He’s given me His Word to empower, instruct, and inspire me, to know His character and be reassured of His love, but He’s not here in the flesh. He’s not here to drink hot tea with me on my couch as I fold laundry in the afternoon. He can not physically walk with me in my neighborhood, and he doesn’t meet me at Starbucks for a Trenta-peach-iced-tea to talk through the hopes and dreams and disappointments of my week.
Jesus is Spirit. And He is with us, but He is not all I need.
It’s been a different season for me. I’m homeschooling without the connection of a co-op community this year—serving with my husband at a church too many miles away to be heavily involved. I’m podcasting, talking through mud stories with amazing people every week, but it’s not the same as sitting with them in person face to face as I face a mud story of my own.
There’s just something soothing about the physical presence of a friend—seeing the expressions on their face, feeling their embrace, being seen and knowing we’re not alone.
I miss that.
God made us for one another. His constant presence with us doesn’t replace the craving within us for the companionship of a friend.
It’s His design for us to enjoy relationship—to not only enjoy it, but to thrive because of it—as we listen, hold up, and encourage each other face to face.
Just as Jesus had people—his twelve—three of whom he was extremely close to, we need people, too.
If you love Jesus, read His Word, and abide in Him, but still feel the nag of a lonely heart, may you know today you are not alone. God wants to bless each one of us with deep and satisfying friendship and community, but His plan may not materialize in the way we’d imagined.
The only way to the other side of loneliness is through.
God promises to be with us in our loneliness, as we limp through our suffering, no matter how difficult it may seem.
5 Tips to Walking Through Loneliness and Finding a Friend
1. Enjoy the companionship of God in this lonely season. Read your Bible, journal, and pray
2. Embrace the stretching growth God desires to do in you during this season. Ask God to show you areas of your own heart that need His repair. Resist bitterness, resentment and anger. Surrender to change with a humble and teachable spirit.
3. Ask God to show you a potential friend to reach out to right where you are. Open your eyes to see what might be an opportunity you’d never noticed before. Be aware and don’t be afraid to look where you haven’t looked before.
4. Reach out to just one person via text, phone, or email. Take a risk. Be courageous. Go out on a limb. One thing is sure, you’re guaranteed not to find a friend if you do nothing.
5. Become the friend you long to have. Give 100%. Give as you would want given to you. Offer transparency and give it space and time to grow.
Have you been feeling lonely lately?
What tip is your biggest challenge as you pursue finding a friend?
Jacque Watkins is a podcaster of Mud Stories, mercy lover, and champion of second chances, who’s been found by God’s mercy, and knows His mercy can find you too.
Thank you so much for this Jacque. I appreciate how honestly you have shared and your wonderful suggestions. It’s good to know that I am “not alone” in my desire to have face-to-face time with a friend/friends. I am in a season of my life that I am home more than I really want to be. A season of coaching others (on the phone and online) and developing content.
The encouragement to be intentional about having time face-to-face is wonderful. Thank you.
Oh Mary Lou, you’re so very welcome! There really is nothing like a face-to-face relationship is there? Saying a prayer for you tonight as you walk this season, for you to hear the nudges God sends, to reach out to another when led, and to rest in knowing God’s got this, and His plan is good. Sending much love..xo
So sweet Jacque, thanks. Another great interview on Mudstories. I really enjoy every episode because I love getting to know people and their stories. Listening to the stories while I am walking makes me feel connected to you and your guest!
Thank you for putting in words what this season has been for my husband and I. God designed us for tangible, close friendships. We look forward to the day we are on the other side of this and have close community again. We are encouraged by your suggestions until then..
Oh Katrina, you are not alone…and may this valley punctuate the greatness of the mountain on the other side of this season. Much love to you today…xo
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After following God’s lead and moving 450 miles from where we lived in Oklahoma to Houston, I’ve been in this season of reason or season friendships. This really hit home for me. I miss having that daily friend. Having no family nearby and no close friendships at the moment is so hard.
I know, having a daily friend would be so soothing to our souls. I’m sorry you don’t have that and that it is so hard. I’m praying for you right now, that in the perfect timing God would bring exactly what you need. Sending a big hug Rachael!
My husband and I attend a wonderful church that we love, and through it, we’ve made many acquaintances and even casual friends. But whom do I turn to when I’m hurting or need advice or just to enjoy some girl time – no one. After repeated attempts with many ladies, I’ve concluded that this is a period God is granting me to spend with my family (I’ll never get these days back) and to find contentment and joy in what I have. It’s lonely most days, but I know His promise says it’s only a season. And although it’s not what I would have chosen for myself, I am doing things I never would have done before, ie. a regular exercise routine, homeschooling, and several service projects.
Contentment and joy right where we are is so very important, and I’m so glad to see you’re able to do that. And through this season, I’m praying that as you lean in toward God, that He would bring to you the desire of your heart, as you take the bold step to reach out to others in friendship as you feel led..xo
I’ve moved from one place to another recently due to my husband’s work changes. Finding friends as an adult has been so difficult. Having kids helps you meet people when you step into a church, but it doesn’t create deep relationships. I’m going to have to work a little harder at it myself. I wish we had more than one vehicle so I could be free to meet up with someone whenever possible.
Finding friends as adults is so difficult, you are right. I’m with you Lydia, purposing to reach out more, and i’m praying for you as you do..xo
Jacque I feel the same as you. I do have a few girlfriends but it’s not the same as a best friend. I long for the godly christian friend I can pray with and talk about God with. Those are very rare. Plus I’m a single mom and have been for almost 8 1/2 years now so there’s not even a husband for a hug or hand holding or a kiss or anything like that. I get to hug my children thank God but long for that best friend I could talk to over a trenta iced green tea lemonade no syrup (my addiction when I can afford it). However I do have to keep in mind that maybe God wants me all to Himself, he’s keeping me from getting hurt by a best friend or he’s saving me for someone special. Whatever the case may be Jesus felt lonely too. It’s not an easy road with God but He never leaves us alone.
Trenta iced green tea lemonade no syrup! Well I’ll have to try that!! Thank you for reaching out here, for writing down your heart, and while it is such a hard season for you, I love the reminder and your focus on the truth that you are not alone. God is with you. And He has a plan. Trusting He will show you and bring a special friend in the perfect time. Blessings to you..xo
Thanks for your sweet response Jacque! Forgot to mention the added bonus of being a single mom friend to married woman. It’s not their fault but having to listen to all the chatter of shopping, vacations, and all the wonderful things their husbands do or they get to do with their husbands, my heart hurts. You can’t do lunches or bible studies cause you’re working during the day. You either can’t afford, don’t have the time or have to worry about a babysitter for a mom’s night out. And forget any kind of ladies retreat that’s out the door completely. But you know with all of these issues I wouldn’t trade time with my boys for anything. Even a best friend! I’m convinced more than ever that God will bring me those in His time.
It’s like you can read my mind and feel my hearts desire. It’s so hard to find a friend whom one can share yourself and your family with. I would love to find a friend where our husbands and children get along. Someone we can go camping with or have bbq or just share life. Unfortunately I have had a couple of bad bad experiences and now I’m lonely BUT I thank God for my husband who is my best friend but I also belief we all need a BFF. God bless and thank you for sharing.
Giving thanks with you for wonderful husbands, and I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt by bad experiences. That is so hard. Your idea of couples friends is so lovely, and I’m believing with you that as you take the risk again, reach out, and try to bridge the gap with another that beautiful friendship for you is in store. You are not alone! xo
I can relate. I have had a hard time with trust in my life because of events that hurt me deeply. I needed that friendship in my life so badly, I took a chance and reached out to two ladies at work. We quickly became friends. I stepped out and trusted them with some personal information in my life. They were so supportive. It was great to have these friends. Then I was laid off at work. Tried reaching out to them, nothing. Found on facebook they moved the friendship on to someone else. It was so painful and I felt so flawed. So I’m back to where I was. Afraid to trust yet needing that close friendship so badly.