Welcome to Titus Two Saturdays (TTS) at the MOB Society!

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We know so many of you are desperately in need of an older mama to come alongside you and help you figure out how to love your husband well, serve your children, and take care of the responsibilities that come along with being a woman. Doesn’t there seem to be a shortage of godly women stepping up to this role?  Well, we have brought  together a team of amazing women willing to share their lives with those of us in the throes of young motherhood.

This weeks Question: “I’m a mom of 2 boys, 4 & 6. Yesterday my heart was heavy as I found my 6 year old did a search on his iPad of “naked girls”. It was a realization that he is no longer my little guy, but a boy growing up in a world where temptation is everywhere. We had a good discussion  about why he did it & I tried to find out what he was wanting to know. I have put into place more strict regulations on the iPad, but more importantly I realized I need to prepare myself for these questions and situations. I am looking for advice on how to talk to him about “life” in a way that is age appropriate. I would appreciate any books or resources for parenting boys addressing these things as well as books for kids about bodies/sex/life.”

Julie Sanders:
It’s never been so easy for our boys to follow curiosity to temptation.  The age of exposure to pornography has dropped as fast as access to technology has risen. Parents can no longer afford to give kids privileges on technology, unless we are prepared to inform ourselves, shepherd our children, and monitor use. Technology without engaged parenting is a gateway to temptation.

You already practice some really healthy habits other moms can learn from:

  • You practice open communication.  You will reap the benefits of this!
  • You ask questions to understand how he thinks.  This nurtures his openness.
  • You engage with the technology you own.  You are more likely to be aware.
  • You think about having age appropriate conversations. He will learn valuable lessons.

It’s tempting to freak out when our boys express interest in sexuality, especially before we expect it. I haven’t always had victory over this, and I see damage from when I didn’t let the Lord control my emotions. To avoid communicating that interest in male/female physical differences is weird, unnatural, or bad, focus on what God’s word says about our sexual nature.

  • God made boys and girls differently and called it good.
  • God designed us to fit together and that’s good too.
  • God’s design is creative and awesome and His plan results in children
  • God is happy for a man and woman to enjoy each other and be close when they are married.

It is a privilege to have conversations about sexuality with our boys. We have the opportunity to shape their perspectives on intimacy, trust, and faithfulness. Should he marry one day, your son’s wife will thank you for planting a healthy understanding of physical affection in the heart and mind of your boy.

My favorite resource to help you as you have these conversations (That is plural on purpose, because talks will continue to unfold as your boy grows.) is Vicki Courtney’s 5 Conversations to Have with Your Son. It’s the perfect time for you to read this guide, and you will be so helped and encouraged by what Vicki shares.  I also recommend Plugged-In Parenting by Bob Waliszewski.

Finally, instead of grieving this early encounter with “naked girls” and the unexpected interest, I want to encourage you to be grateful. Give thanks that you found out now and that God prompted you to ask questions and listen. Give thanks there are technical safeguards to help us manage the devices in our lives. Give thanks that when you are not with your boy, because you can’t be every moment and every place, God is there. Ask God to make you aware of any interaction with other children or adults that may be a cause or a result of the early exposure to pornographic images. Ask Him to expose any future sin your boy may act on, as a result of seed thoughts in his mind. God will be watching and moving in your boy’s heart and mind, working for his good in a world that promises to satisfy his curiosity, but only gives emptiness where he should be full.

I’m giving thanks with you that while your boy is still young, you are making the decision to be a warrior mom for the mind and heart of your son.

Laura Lee Groves:
Mom, realize first that you are not alone. Jen Ferguson, the author of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography, told me that statistics show that by the time a boy is 18 years old, he has only a 3% chance of not seeing pornography.

 That fact alone should be enough to make ALL moms sit up and listen. Jen had some valuable insights that all of us could benefit from.

  1.  There is a good news side to this: You’ve opened a dialogue with your son about something that many parents never choose to address. You have an opportunity to show him that talking to you about these things is a safe, good thing to do. He has learned that the Internet is not a safe place—the first step to learning discernment.
  2. Pray. Ephesians 6:12 says “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” God has given us incredible tools to protect ourselves from evil, and we must learn to use them effectively. Not only do we need to be praying for protection for our children, but we need to teach them how to pray for themselves, even when they are 6 years old. And when a question comes up we don’t feel prepared to answer, we can pray and the Holy Spirit will give us the words our children need to hear.
  3. Create a shame-free zone. Accusations like “I can’t believe you did this!” or “Why would you ever think this was a good idea?” shut our kids down (just like they shut us down) and make them want to hide future mistakes. It is in the darkness that pornography takes root and desires for unhealthy sexual outlets fester. We want our kids to know their curiosity isn’t bad — God made us this way!  We can tell them, though, that there are people who want to give us answers to our questions that aren’t true or helpful, and those answers don’t satisfy for the long run. But God can help us find answers, and He has placed parents in authority to help kids. Our sons can see that, in Genesis 3, when Eve ate the apple, she wasn’t satisfied in the way she thought she would be. Instead, her heart and mind were filled with more than she could handle, which is why God had given her instructions not to eat from that tree. Eve was curious, but instead of taking her curiosity to God, she chose to strike out on her own, which had major consequences. When we seek answers from the wrong places, we experience negative consequences, too. Even though Adam and Eve disobeyed, God still talked with them, forgave them, and blessed them. We can always ask forgiveness and receive God’s grace. Our children need to be able to expect that same level of grace and forgiveness from us, too.
  4.  Gather resources. Spend some time learning about sex and marriage from a biblical point of view. The Fergusons’ book has a chapter that discusses why God gave us sex and why He designed it to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage. This can help you personally and it will also prepare you for questions your child will have, providing a firm foundation for discussing things like modesty, lust, the purpose of sex, and how to deal with temptations. A child-friendly discussion of this can be found in God’s Design for Sex, a 4 book series, each targeted for a different age range.
  5. Focus on Jesus. The best defense is a great offense. Helping your child grow in his relationship with Jesus will produce great fruit. Use everyday opportunities to point out how you see God working. Share your own stories of overcoming or succumbing to different types of temptations. Express often how much God loves us and how much He desires to speak to us and hear our voices.

 Jen Ferguson has daughters, but her wisdom in this area is so helpful for boy moms. As moms, we deal with all kinds of disobedience. It’s so important to remember this:  “Even though Adam and Eve disobeyed, God still talked with them, forgave them, and blessed them. We can always ask forgiveness and receive God’s grace. Our children need to be able to expect that same level of grace and forgiveness from us, too.” Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography by Jen and Craig Ferguson (Discovery House Publishers) is available for pre-order on Amazon. You can connect with Jen on her blog, Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood.