Motherhood wrestles me to the ground and pins me down more days than I care to admit. Insecurity mounts and the feelings of failure rise, like a wave ready to take me completely under and hold me there.
Giving in to feelings is futile, and I do so more than I care to admit.
But spending time with God always shifts my perspective, renews my heart, and brings joy beyond my circumstance—which becomes my strength.
I passed day 700 in September—seven hundred days reading my Bible and journaling my prayers to God. I’ve been a Christian my whole life, but embarrassingly didn’t start this daily habit until three years ago. Oh how much time I wasted being intermittent and inconsistent in my time with Him—missing out on the daily, interactive relationship He longed to have with me.
But something happened … and I’m not quite sure what it was, other than the sheer volume of the everyday things … homeschooling three grade levels, working at the hospital two days each week, writing, speaking, mothering, and being the wife I’m called to be (to name a few).
Nevertheless, it happened. Autumn got the best of me, and January’s been no different.
In a season of new beginnings, resolutions, and habits, here I am. Declining.
Inconsistent in my time with God,
Scripture memory projects incomplete,
Sporadic writing and posting schedules,
And struggles with speaking.
And why is this all happening after seven hundred consistent days? After memorizing a full chapter of Matthew and moving to the next? After more than a year of consistent blogging and several speaking engagements?
Regardless of why, my self-imposed to-do-list life, lies unchecked and undone in this season. And I have a tendency to berate my own heart for my failure.
I’ve always been that perfectionist type, the one who longs to do it perfectly or not at all. But is that all there is? A life full of to-do lists, with nothing but guilt and self-inflicted condemnation waiting to catch me when I fail?
But I was reminded today, and thought I’d remind your heart too …
God loves me.
And God loves you.
No matter what.
And the real truth I must endlessly tell my perfectionist, list-checking self is this…
There is absolutely nothing I can do to make Him love me more, and absolutely nothing I can do to make Him love me less.
Because He’s not after checked-off lists. He’s after my heart.
He’s not concerned with which consecutively numbered day I’ve journaled. He just wants me. Not just in the structured “quiet time” moments but in all my moments, in the messiness of each and every moment, of each and every day.
He’s not concerned with my designated memory work being completed in one week as opposed to four. He doesn’t want them to be empty regurgitated words. Instead, He wants those words, His Word, the Word, to become a part of me, integrated and personified in me whether they’re repeated back verbatim or not.
The real question is…
In every moment, am I desperate for Him, searching for Him in the middle of life’s busy moments?
Even when motherhood buries me and insecurity smothers me, is my heart longing for Him anyway?
It is less about doing for Him and all about being with Him.
How many times will I get on that rat-race merry-go-round, only to have to jump off again, shedding the guilt of “works”?
It’s not about our formal time with Him, but all about our ordinary time with Him–because He is with us and speaks to us, even there.
And He’s whispering today to you and to me…
It’s not about what you do—not about doing for Me at all. I want you. Will you give Me your heart? I want to be with you in every minute of every moment, amidst every task, no matter how menial or small. And that is where our intimacy is found. Not only in the formality of your self-imposed mandated “quiet time” with me, not only in the recitation of My Word, and not only in the ways you strive to serve me and shine for me in the world. Our intimacy is found in every breath you breathe, in and out, again and again … I am right there with you. And you are so loved.
God is whispering the words to our hearts we long to hear if only we can dare to believe them…
You are loved—deeply, truly, always.
How do your days wrestle you to the ground?
What keeps you from believing you are deeply loved?
Wow. I’m not sure how I feel about this post today.
I’ll say that I want to believe it, but life feels more like a cruel joke than a blessing these days.
I know God wants ME . . . lately though, it really feels like there’s not enough of “ME” to go around.
I am 8 months pregnant, a wife, mother to three going-on-four, one recently diagnosed with Autism. Trying to homeschool my oldest and frequently failing. Forget about the house–it’s pretty much trashed right now (okay, maybe that’s mostly the kitchen).
I used to love to sing . . . but the last three years of our lives have practically stolen my voice.
Pornography. Foreclosure. Bankruptcy. Autism.
None of those things are ME, but I’m not sure who I AM any longer. I don’t feel like I “lost myself” in motherhood, in our marriage struggles, in financial burdens, or in medical diagnoses–but I do struggle to present myself to HIM. I struggle with bitterness over what this life has dealt me.
I KNOW deep inside that it’s the enemy of our souls who seeks to kill and destroy. Satan has already tried to destroy my marriage and family, but we’ve fought back and won. Satan is trying to take my children, but I’m fighting back. Trouble is, it feels like nobody is fighting for me (though I know that’s not true). My poor husband, our staunch provider, has been made numb by our son’s diagnosis. I can’t fight this battle alone, but I can’t engage him either.
God loves me unconditionally. Jesus thinks I’m worth dying for. His Spirit lavishes peace on my battered soul, daily when I allow it. I know these things to be good and true and right.
What keeps me from believing I’m loved? The lies we tell ourselves, friends, the out and out lies from the pit of hell!
“Nobody cares . . .”
“It’s not going to make a difference . . . ”
“Prayer is empty and fruitless . . .”
Lies.
Go to the truth for healing and freedom, today.
1 Corinthians 7
“21 Were you a slave when called? Do not be concerned about it. Even if you can gain your freedom, make use of your present condition now more than ever. 22 For whoever was called in the Lord as a slave is a freed person belonging to the Lord, just as whoever was free when called is a slave of Christ. 23 You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of human masters. 24 In whatever condition you were called, brothers and sisters, there remain with God.”
Oh Allie, this is so hard. And suffering is never ever easy. And while our hearts are tempted to believe the lies, reorienting to the truth is life-giving. What you have written here is true…”God does love you unconditionally. Jesus thinks I’m worth dying for. His Spirit lavishes peace on my battered soul, daily when I allow it.” Yes! When we allow it. We are to take every thought captive and replace it with the truth of God’s Word. And His Word says we ARE loved, and He DOES care about every little detail of our lives. As we lay down our worry, as we go to Him and spend time in prayer, as we give Him thanks all things, His peace (that passes our understanding) will guard our hearts and minds. (Philippians 4:6-8) That is truth and His promise to our hearts.
Lord Jesus,
Please be with Allie today. Bring your sweet peace to guard her heart. Help her to know Your great love…that you see it all and have not forgotten. Be with her son and her marriage, and may she know beyond a doubt, that there is nothing that can separate her from Your love. Absolutely nothing. Comfort and care for her in the way only you can, and may she feel Your presence wherever she goes. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Please know I will continue to pray for you! You are loved
Jacque
I think the best way to allow Him into your heart at all times, is to do even the most mundane things with Him in mind. As I wash dishes, cook and clean I listen to Christian radio. It lifts my spirits, reminds me why I am lucky enough to be home doing this stuff and why I am doing it for my family. Reflecting on a weekly verse while in line at the store or stuck in the car makes things less annoying as well. Whatever you do, do it with God in mind. Things become less overwhelming.
Allie
I have been in those very shoes. I am a writer and have expressed in Digging a Well an article called, “clouding my view.” The Lord gave me an visual of what was taking place in our lives when we are under this sort of attack. The stars are in the sky every night but when the clouds roll in and block our view, we can no longer see the stars, sun or moon.. Our problems are much like the clouds. They move in and keep us from seeing that others are there or that the Lord is even present. Leaving us feeling alone and empty. Just be assured that he is there and will help you walk through these battles you have in your life. He has walked me through many battles identical to yours and when you come out on the other side, it becomes clear to you all the questions you asked while walking through the clouds. We are praying the Lord draws himself close to you and makes himself real and visible in your life, heart and soul. Keep on Keeping on Allie
Jacque, my time as a mama with four little boys around my feet was a while ago, and there were some desperate days. THIS is what I needed to hear. In fact, I still need to hear it today.
Thanks for reminding me to fill my ordinary time with Him!