The four boy tuck-in routine can be exhausting. Our two-year old has turned out to be the most challenging of any of our boys at bedtime, seeming to come to life just about the time we are ready to collapse and enjoy a few minutes of quiet. If, and when we finally get him down, there are still three more boys to read to (on a good night,) say prayers with, and get into their bed. By the time I get to my thirteen year old, it is usually an abbreviated tuck-in. He doesn’t need much. He reads to himself. One hug and kiss is plenty. He is easy.
So that one night not too long ago, when I said goodnight and I love you and was just about to hurry out to tackle the next thing on my nightly to-do list, I’m not sure what made me PAUSE.
But I did.
And I just sat there and was quiet for maybe ten seconds. I looked right at my son, with a relaxed expression. I expected nothing, but instead just enjoyed his presence for those few seconds.
And that young teenager actually had something to say.
It wasn’t a shocking confession, or any super sensitive issue. He simply shared something that he was frustrated with personally–a goal he hadn’t reached in a certain sport. Being a first-born perfectionist type, this kid is really hard on himself. He works things out quietly, and doesn’t need to talk about little issues. I suppose I have seen this as not only a great quality, but one that simplifies my parenting requirements. And maybe one I’ve taken for granted…
On that particular day, I don’t think he needed me to share wise counsel or really to say anything at all.
He simply decided to let me in on things.
And that moment pierced my heart a little bit.
It made me ask WHAT have I been missing. These little moments…they are treasures. A peek into the heart of my child. A chance to know what he ponders. What bothers him. How I might pray for him.
Yet I am so busy, with the daily tasks and the managing of the family and the disciplining of the younger ones…that I am afraid I have rushed past the one that might just need a listening ear the most.
Obviously we are all human. We can only do so much in a day. If we are blessed to have one (or more!) independent kids who are self directed and don’t require a whole lot of special attention, it is a gift from God.
However, the brief moment with my son that night, followed by a few more purposeful PAUSES since then, have taught me that I don’t want to MISS them any more.
I don’t want to miss his heart.
His thoughts.
His questions.
His funny observations or his creative ideas.
So, I’m learning to PAUSE. When I greet him in the morning, I remind myself to pause. To look into his eyes as I ask “How did you sleep honey?” And mean it. When he gets home after surfing, or a youth group event, to actually STOP what I’m doing and ask “How did it go?” And yes, at bedtime…I am trying to cut DOWN a little on the time I spend battling my two-year old, and giving a little more time to the teenager. The eleven year old can use a little more of my quiet readiness as well. And the eight-year old…Oh a listening ear means the WORLD to that one. He is surrounded by noise on all sides.
A pause can come in the form of a question. It can happen in the car when I turn my music low, and my blue-tooth OFF. It can happen while we eat breakfast, or sit at the beach. A pause may deliver pure silence, and sometimes it brings NO conversation. Even then it opens the door for communication when your boy is ready.
A pause says “You are worth my time.”
“You are valuable.”
“I am interested in you.”
“No one else matters more right now.”
“I’m not just here to speak AT you.”
Sometimes a pause is the best “I love you” that I could give.
Have you paused enough recently to hear what might otherwise be missed?
I’d love to hear about your experiences, or any suggestions you might have on giving those boys the time, and attention they truly need…While juggling everything else in life! 
Share in comments, would you?
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Monica, her husband, and their four sons live on the North Shore of Oahu, on a hill overlooking the “seven-mile miracle”–Seven miles of the most famous surf break beaches in the world. Her family spends a lot of time at the beach, with two of her sons being competitive surfers. Monica home schools her boys, and when they aren’t at the beach, they love to play at their country home, where they grow all kinds of tropical fruits. Monica’s background is in health and fitness, but for now she just tries to keep her boys healthy and safe. She loves God and shares all of her family’s blessings and adventures at: www.thegrommom.com (A grom is a kid who surfs/does board sports.)
I so enjoyed this post. I could go on and on…… Thanks!!!! Tami
This has brought tears to my eyes because this is the area I am being encouraged in by the Lord. It really hit me hard recently that parenting my boys is NOT about me!! It’s not about how well it looks to everyone else, but it’s about THEM! I’ve decided to give myself “flex time” during the day so that I have had my break when they are at school or otherwise occupied, but once we’re together – it’s all about how the Lord wants me to minister to THEM! Our three boys share a room, so every night I spend time snuggling with each one (except the top bunker for that month – they rotate monthly), whispering in the dark with them. I make conscious efforts to sit on the couch after school and they come in and sit next to me, leaning on me to tell me what happened that day. Oh…I could also go on and on! YES! The Parenting Pause is oh, so important! Thank you for putting into words a very practical application for us!
Thank you Martha! How awesome that this confirms what the Lord has been speaking to you about.
Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job…Keep it up and thank you so much for sharing!
Sweet Monica – my heart needed this SO much today. It goes hand-in-hand with what my husband and I believe the Lord is showing us in our own lives. Thank you! One of my favorites
This was such a good reminder to me that, even though the younger ones clamor the loudest, I need to take the time to search out my olders, too. Thanks.
This is a constant struggle with me. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone.
Yes, that is one of the best things about this place…I am always reminded that I am not alone here!
Thanks for stopping in!
This is such a good reminder. My oldest also doesn’t seem to need as much attention as my younger son. At some point in the day, I try to stop what I’m doing and tell him that “I haven’t met my quota” for the day. Then we sit and hug/snuggle for a while. He is eight years old, and i don’t know how much longer he will let me hug him. Even after he becomes too cool for mommy hugs, I hope we can still remember to just pause and enjoy moments together.
Oh, I will be stealing that line for sure! Meeting my “quota!”
I love it!
Yes, as they get older the needs change, but I think they still need us for a very long time! (I pray! ) thanks so much.
I, too, have experienced the immediacy of the younger child conflicting with giving time to my elder child. It often seems that E (age 8) doesn’t need me whereas J (age 1) is constantly needy and when he doesn’t I often take that opportunity for a break. We recently spent some time revamping our family “business plan” trying to focus more on the family instead of ourselves individually. This has been challenging, and I so appreciate the transparency in your blog as yet another reminder of the importance – just because one child is not as vocal, doesn’t mean he doesn’t need me just as much. Thank you!
This was so good. I have recently had one of these same moments where I suddenly realized I just needed to slow down and watch and listen to my children. Thank you for this great reminder!
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Thank you so much for your post! I most often get so overwhelmed with life and trying to meet all the demands of being a a mom to a 4 y/o son (yes, only one…I know) and juggling a new marriage and being in the military. I feel as if I am fighting every day to spend those extra minutes with my family but I no sooner turn around and need to do laundry or make dinner or the clean up after the puppy peed on the floor and the list goes on and on! But a pause is only a pause. Thank you so much for reminding me of this!
Thank you, and no-way “only one,” ONE is a lot with everything else it sounds like you are doing. I understand how overwhelming things can be. That is what I love about a “pause,” it is SO do-able!
Keep up the good work and don’t be too hard on yourself! aloha!
What wonderful words and a beautiful lesson for all parents. I used to refer to those moments as their “window” being open, so I could hear from their heart.
However in this fast paced world we live in… that “pause” you are talking about is not only needed, but Necessary!! Thank you! 
I know that four boy tuck-in routine, Monica — did it for many years and now I miss it! But you are SO right. We so often forget to pause, and it’s amazing what happens when we do.
As mine got older, it was the youngest (the last talkative, who probably never had a chance to get a word in edge-wise) who appreciated the pauses most. And to this day, he’s the one who needs the pause as a jumpstart. We all too often run from boy to boy to boy…to boy. Thanks for reminding us of the value of pause!
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This was a great post. I feel this way about our mornings since they’re usually so rushed. And I know I could make it better and enjoy them more before the day starts by getting myself up a little earlier to better prepare myself for them to hit the floor running. We have been pausing lots at bedtime to make sure there is plenty of book reading and quiet time…now to start incorporating it into our mornings!
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Oh, I hear you about the mornings! In fact I joke (sort of joke,) that part of the reason I started home schooling was because I couldn’t take the rushed mornings any more!
Getting up extra early certainly helps, but even on the rushed days, you are normal…and the kids can look forward to coming home to you! Keep it up.
ALOHA!
Wonderfully written, thank you! Your house and descriptions of your four sound very similar to my four and boy do I need that reminder as well, to pause. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this post. I am a Mom of 5 boys, 18,16,9,8 and 4. We seem to be in a constant battle with the 18 year old with priorities, money issues… that sometimes the 16 year old just kind of “flies under the radar” and the younger ones are listening. But just in the last few days, I have been trying to spend more time thinking about the positive, listening to the 16 year old, he has a lot on his mind too, (feeling left out of the 18 year old’s life for example) and I’ve been missing it. I’m trying to focus on each one and not so much on one. It’s hard but necessary! I don’t want to miss anything with any of them. They will all be young men and on their own before I can blink.
Oh, how I needed to read this post. My sons are 17 (senior), 5(kindergarten), 2, and 1. My 17 year old was an only child to me as a single mom for a LONG time. It was a huge adjustment when my husband and I moved in, got married and then I went off and had a baby. He is self efficient, excellent academically and loves God. His priorities are off recently with a girlfriend. I do not dislike her but I fear he is putting her before God and himself. I have these pauses with him but I need to put in to action what I already know. I cannot change his heart and The Lord has his path laid before him. What I think is best will never trump what He thinks is best because He see the full picture and I only get the moments I am in now.