In my days as a youth pastor, the most frequent question I was asked about by mothers of boys was, “How do I help my son deal with lust?”
This question was frequently asked by the moms who were single. Dad had bailed on the family, so I can’t really imagine how difficult and awkward it would have been for those moms to breach the subject with their sons. If you are that mom, my heart goes out to you. Truly.
Even if you live in a happy marriage and you have a husband who can help you navigate those seas, there is something I must plead with you to understand about my gender: Lust will always be a struggle for us.
Like any sin of the flesh, lust is a symptom of a larger problem. That problem is when we have tried to replace the satisfaction of God with the satisfaction of something temporary. In this life, that never goes away, regardless of the symptom.
I will be candid with you, friends. I can lose patience with women who say things like, “Well you just need to think of those women you are looking at as someone’s daughter.”
I can assure you that we try that. We try everything. The truth is, like any sin you struggle with yourself, it’s not as easy as just saying, “Go away.”
I want to sigh in exasperation and walk away when I see/hear that occur.
There’s a better way to do this.
King David wrote Psalm 57 while he was being pursued by evil men (a situation he frequently found himself in). It is a desperate cry for help from a wounded soul. In verse 8, though, it turns a corner. He calls out, “Awake, my glory!”
The Hebrew word for glory is kavod, which means courage and honor. Whenever it shows up in Scripture, and especially when it is being used by David, it’s in the context of him describing something that exists within him that the Lord can awaken.
So from that we can draw the conclusion that there is something intrinsic in our DNA as wired by the Creator that gives us the strength, courage, and honor we need to overcome sin. But it’s dormant without the Lord awakening it and filling it with…Himself.
As he grows into a man, your son will need to pray some version of that prayer that David prayed. He will need to not only ask the Lord to save his soul, but also ask that the Lord would fill him, daily, with strength and courage. And he will need to understand that it is not about beating lust into submission, but replacing it with something so much better.
Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your son (or husband for that matter) in this area is find out what not to do.
Do not #1
Do not condemn him.
He already hates himself for it, deep inside. I assure you. Even if he pretends that he doesn’t. I have known despair in my own life when it comes to dealing with lust. Every friend I have would admit to the same. We love our wives desperately, and yet that dragon lurks below the surface ready to flare up at any moment.
Do not #2
Do not freak out.
I have never met the man who didn’t struggle with lust at some point in his life, and nearly all that I know admit that it never fully leaves them. It’s normal. Terrible, but normal. Flying off the handle with anger helps no one. Neither does being timid about addressing it. Go for it. But do it in a way that is as understanding as you can muster.
Those were some heavy “do not’s.” So here’s a “do.”
Do pray that God will awaken your son’s kavod, his honor and glory as a man, and that he will be drawn to what the Lord has for him beyond temporary, fleeting pleasure.
When your son lives with his kavod awakened, he will do hard things with joy. He will dare. He will seek healthy and just battle in the name of his God. He will be a sacrificial and fiercely loving husband. He will live as though he has been captivated by an honor-driven adventure that the greatest video game cannot match.
And lust will become something that dims over time, increasingly replaced by things eternal and honorable.
I hope this didn’t come across too harsh. It was not the intent. I simply see a generation of young men who are hurting, bombarded with sexual excess in the culture as never before, and many of the “answers” Christians give are doing more harm than good.
To change it, we must see glory awakened inside of hearts.
Wow! Thanks you so much for sharing this. It’s a subject that is a bit touching, but so important. It’s very refreshing to hear someone speak from the heart and the Bible! Such great advice.
Amy´s last [type] ..A more discipline life
I think it is really easy to fall into the trap of #1 – simply because we know how powerful lust is and although we may not struggle with it in the way boys and men struggle with lust – it is a powerful force. Honestly, I think women fear lust more than anything, and that fear drives us to try to force lust underground. Your article – your advice – right on the money and I appreciate it. Lust is only one side of a God-given desire – and I LOVE how the Word can inspire men to ask God to draw the honor and courage out of them to face any temptation. The other side of that God-given desire is a healthy sexuality in marriage, and that is what we should pray for – for our sons and our own marriages. Awesome post!
Wow. Thank you. Can I say that again? Thank you! I truly appreciate this post. As a mom with 4 boys (and being the only girl in the house) I am frequently wondering how I will approach this subject and train them up to be men of purity. I am thankful my husband will definitely tackle the topic with them as well, but the fact is I am with them when we drive past the strip club almost every other day, or when we pass the magazines in the grocery store. The questions and thoughts arise at any time of the ordinary day, because you are right, they are bombarded with sexual messages in this world.
Your words encourage me and motivate me to pray all the more for the deeper issue behind lust for my boys. To pray they will rise up and allow the Lord to ignite his glory in them. He is able!
Emily´s last [type] ..Thankful for promises
That.was.phenomenal. I needed that.
When you say they admit it never fully leaves them are you referring to the fact that temptation to lust never leaves?
My husband and I were nearly divorced last year because the pain of his betrayal was so excruciating.
While I worked with him in understanding how he’s wired and how to love him more as Christ than a wife, he has been fully clean for just over a year now.
He & I both know temptation is out there, but I certainly hope he would not truly struggle with lust anymore now that he has felt the joy and blessings of being freed from it.
I guess I ask for my own reassurance that it is temptation that never leaves?
We have two sons and while I hate what my husband and I went through I can at least be confident my we will be able to help them when they come to those male moments of struggle.
The worst thing my husband had to go through growing up was a mother who condemned sex and a father whose only advice on lust & sexual matters were “It’s wrong, don’t do it”.
Hi Veronica,
The most honest answer I can give you is yes, the temptation of lust will always be there in some form. And since your husband, like nearly every man who has ever lived, has struggled with it before, the chances are solid he will struggle with it again. If you two are telling yourselves that because you had victory over it for this season that it will never surface again, I plead with you to ignore the temptation to believe that it’s gone forever. It’s a sin, and a tactic of the enemy. If it worked before, it can certainly work again in a moment of weakness. Do you have sin of some kind that seems to always hang around, even though you have seasons of victory over it?
Your grace-filled attitude, however, will be a huge part of helping him survive and triumph over it. You have sins that you struggle with, and if he is a good man and loving Christian brother he accepts you anyway, correct? In that same way, you can empower him to trust the Lord to replace what is bad with what is beautiful. Lust can then become an occasional nuisance quickly dealt with in the power of Christ, and not an all-powerful overlord dominating a man’s soul.
There is the very real possibility, if Christ has done a massive work in his heart and awakened his “kavod,” that he will rarely if ever take action on this temptation again. But what I am begging all of you ladies to understand is that this is authentically hellish battle for men. We know pain and despair from it, and I would argue as much or more than you do when you discover a husband or son in the middle of it. Your sense of betrayal is correct and deeply wounding, but please realize that deep inside the man’s heart, the shame and self-loathing is incomprehensible. It’s literally slavery.
But that’s not the popular Christian bookstore answer to these issues. Which is fine, since it’s uncomfortable to deal with. But just look at how lust absolutely dominates men in the church to see if I am right about many of the old methods not working.
Your sons will not be exempt from lust, no matter what you do. He will know battle and fear and savage despair. Period. The best thing you can do, besides avoiding those “do nots” listed above, is to saturate him with love and grace and pray that the Lord awakens him. Because when he sees the Lord deliver him from that savage despair, his view of God will grow bigger, and he will be captivated by Him in a way he never would have before. Battle is healthy. It draws us close to the Father.
I realize my blog entry is going to be alarming to some. That’s not the intent. I’m just trying to point out that all of these so-called solutions to beat lust into submission are not working, because it’s never been worse out there. These are the secret, hidden thoughts of men that men don’t like to share because it shames them. A husband can love his wife far more than she can comprehend…and still struggle with lust. He doesn’t hate his wife or think she is not attractive.
There is no woman on earth who compares to my wife. All of you are probably great people, but you don’t hold a candle to her in my heart. And yet, she and I both know that the dragon can surface without us realizing it, so we are proactive about defending and protecting our marriage. Not out of paranoia, but out of mutual “let’s not be derailed by something we know is not my true heart.”
Thank you for your feedback everyone, I will be checking back this evening to answer any other questions. Be blessed!
Cliff
I think it needs to be mentioned to get the trash out of the home. My husband was exposed to soft-core pornography at 6 (in the form of an R rated movie) and his older brother showed him a magazine when he was only 8. My husband spend over a decade dealing with an intense pornography addiction simply because his parents didn’t take any steps to protect him.
IF YOU HAVE INTERNET YOU NEED A FILTER AND YOU NEED TO BE SURE IF YOUR SONS/DAUGHTERS ARE GOING OVER TO A FRIENDS HOME THEY DO NOT HAVE OPEN ACCESS TO THE NET (INCLUDING PHONES) THERE EITHER.
All men will struggle with lust, but combine pornography, the fastest growing addiction, with a sin all men struggle with anyway and you cripple a man.
I absolutely agree that the home should be guarded at all costs. Period.
I also believe that all of the internet filters in the world will not fix a heart issue. Lust is a heart issue and must be dealt with on that level. Thanks for your comment.
Thank you for that. As my body sags, I have to make up for it with a cheerful and loving spirit…Literally cheering my husband and son in their battles through encouragement and prayer. Give me a “K” , Give me an “A” ….What did God give You? . KAVOD! Otherwise, I fear my spirit will wither and die along with my flesh, and any worthwhile legacy along with.
Absolutely wonderful and necessary post. Thank you for giving me those words to pray…awake his glory! Awake my glory!
I loved this post, not only because I think it’s an important, foundational part of the conversation, but also because there is something absolutely spectacular about a man who has had a “kavod” moment. THAT’S something to pray for right there, that our boys would be so awakened to God’s glory, and the glory they possess as men, that they would be motivated to follow hard after Him, do battle in their own hearts because of Him, and be a warrior protector of others on behalf of Him.
Brooke McGlothlin´s last [type] ..when you’re tempted to despair
And I have to say…our husband’s too. There’s no better way to for our sons to see the “Kavod” life than to see it lived out by the men they admire most in life…their fathers. If their fathers aren’t around, pray that God will bring a man into their lives to walk with them.
Thank you for this post. This is a subject that is not talked about plainly nearly enough. As a mom of four boys, one of whom has already begun this struggle, I think your advice is spot-on. Even though my husband and I have tried to be very grace-filled in our response to him, the guilt and shame he feels is a huge struggle. For a while his reaction was to try to run so far the other way as to say – I’m never dating, I’m never getting married, I’m just never venturing into that aspect of life again. It has taken a lot of time and late night talks to help him get that sexual desire is not a bad thing, and is part of God’s design.
God wired guys to be visual. We have a secret word in our house….if we are seeing something that will cause one of my 3 boys to fall we use the word so they turn away…actually not bad for mom and sister either….
Katey´s last [type] ..My Son: The Recovering Porn Addict
Thank you so much for addressing this issue! It is exactly what we all need to hear.
Are there specific things you can suggest for those of us who are single moms of boys? My husband divorced me for another woman after 22 years together, so it has been a huge and devastating struggle for the children.
Jenny´s last [type] ..how NOT to help your son with lust
Newsflash: girls and women struggle with lust, no less than men do. However, they have to pretend they don’t in order to conform to the “good girl standard”. So most women are left without support and/or accountability, because they are too afraid to admit to their struggles, and feel like they’re the only one. Well, let me tell any girl/woman who is struggling- most other women are and/or have too. The result is sin left to fester in the dark, and/or a sexuality so repressed and cut off, it becomes distorted and is hard to awaken again. It’s time that Christians woke up and faced reality, and stop believing lies. This is damaging women’s sexuality and damaging marriages.
Hi Alana,
No question women struggle with lust. But this is a blog for mothers of boys, and the topic was directed towards boys. When I make the case that women can’t understand lust like a man does, I mean that they don’t experience it in the way men do. Men can’t lecture women about how they experience lust, either.
I think I disagree, too, with your comment that girls and women struggle with lust no less than men do. That’s not true overall. Even secular biologists uniformly agree that men as a whole are more sexually aggressive and prone to sexual excess. There are women who struggle with that, no question. Many of them. But nowhere near as many women as men.
I really appreciate this article for many reasons. It’s concise, to the point, biblical, honest and real. I have prayed often to “increase their faith”. Praying to awaken the “kavod” is from the very real warrior David. Can’t wait to share the essence of the thought my guys. Lately, as a family (my hubby, boys 13 & 16 and myself) we have been reading/discussing/praying about Proverbs in the Narrated Bible. The Narrated Bible groups the proverbs by subject which I find helpful. We just finished up the adultery and prostitution section- not the easiest breakfast devotional stuff. Of course the boys didn’t totally appreciate why we had to cover this, but as adults we know these will be real battles/ choices they will have to confront down the road. We didn’t skip a verse in this section. I would rather plant seeds now and water them as we go than do nothing and wish I had done more. Our job as mommies is to equip our boys properly for battle and some of us (like me)are already familiar with the warfare required.
Thanks for sharing your insight Mr. Graham. Blessings.
This is one of the most productive ways of handling it and helping our boys through this issue that I’ve seen. Thank you! I’ve prayed for guidance over how to help my thirteen year old and now my almost 11 year old with this area of their life. Your illustration of David asking for honor and courage is perfect for my sons. They are wired to want to be courageous, honorable people, they want to be strong. This is a call that their heart will understand. We’ve talked of guarding our minds against non-productive and unhealthy thoughts and topics, not lust, but other topics. Your suggestions play right into that as well. God is our ultimate guide and provider. Thank you again. perfect.
Shannon´s last [type] ..Using SpellQuizzer Software for Spelling
Great post! Thanks for sharing and honest and practical approach!
Lisa´s last [type] ..Relish Your Youth
You could definitely see your expertise in the work you write. The sector hopes for even more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to mention how they believe. All the time follow your heart.