You had your first boy. Then you learned you were having a second boy. Congratulations, you just created something wonderful: brothers!
The thought of rearing brothers simultaneously warms my heart and terrifies me. Picturing my sons walking through life side-by-side, I am thankful they have one another. Yet, remembering movies like “Legends of the Fall” I am concerned personality differences, jealousy and competition could lead to broken relationships.
Even in the Bible, brothers are a big deal. The first murder in the Bible, Cain killed his brother Abel. Jacob betrayed his brother Esau for a blessing & birthright. Jealousy prompted Jacob’s sons to sell their brother Joseph as an Egyptian slave.
Fortunately, there are positive Biblical examples as well. Judah offered himself to be a slave in Benjamin’s place (Genesis 44:33). When God called Moses to confront Pharaoh, his brother Aaron helped him deliver God’s message. After Andrew met Jesus he immediately shared the exciting news with his brother, Simon Peter.
My boys are still little. By no means do I have this brother thing figured out. But my heart desires them to be Moses & Aaron kind of brothers, not Cain & Abel brothers. I want boys who remain loyal, work together and love one another…who may not be ‘best’ friends, but at least forever friends.
“How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!” Psalm 133:1
How to do you facilitate positive brother relationships? How do you nurture qualities of loyalty, honor & teamwork, while diminishing the feelings of envy, deceitfulness, & revenge? Here are some ideas I came up with, I’d love to exchange ideas in the comments on how to develop “forever friends”:
1. Set-up Brother Rules
One night my husband and I agreed upon our family’s core values and created a list of three main rules. The second rule we have repeated many, many times relates to relationships: “Honor others”.
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10
We explained to our boys that “to honor someone” means, “to treat someone special” and “to go above and beyond what’s expected.” (Turansky & Miller). The 3 million times I have repeated these phrases, were rewarded when my second son, not only got his own shoes, but brought his brother’s shoes to him after Taekwondo.
2. Give them Words
When you spend a lot of time with any one person it’s highly likely you will get frustrated with him at some point. Brothers are no exception. My mother-in-law encouraged me to allow my boys to work out their problems and not to get involved.
Given their young ages (7, 5, & 3), sometimes I have to step in and direct their conversation to one another. If they start hitting one another, I jump in and say, “Instead of using your hands, use words. Tell him what made you upset.” Or “Just walk away if you told him to stop and he is not listening.”
If they come to me with, “Mom, he took my toy” I immediately respond with, “Did you tell him how you feel?” I encourage them to verbalize their offenses to each other. “When you did _____, it made me feel ____” . (Hopefully enough practice and they will be off on the right foot in marriage communication too!).
3. Cast a Vision
I like to tell my boys what great brothers they will be or I know they can be. When I see a kind gesture or hear a gentle response I positively reinforce them with, “Thank you for treating your brother special. You are so lucky to have a wonderful big brother.”
It’s also fun to talk about famous brothers, the Wright brothers, brothers from the Bible. Brothers who worked together and used their gifts for Glory. We also enjoy reading books with brothers who work together, like the “Snip, Snap & Snurr” book series.
4. Know their Personalities
We found our boys got along better when they started sharing a room. I think the late night and early morning chats helped connect their hearts. It’s like a “boy’s club” with an exclusive membership. Sharing a room may not work for every family, or for every stage of childhood. But for us right now they are enjoying the camaraderie of roommates.
I could see how one of my boys, who is the most introverted, may benefit one day from having his own space/room. He tends to be the one to drift off to the playroom by himself when everything gets noisy. Knowing what each boy needs allows them to enjoy each other without constant frustration. Here’s a chart to help your introverted boys:
5. Pray
Like I said, my boys are not fully grown men. We have miles to go until they are. So check back with me in 20 years on if these ideas work long-term. Until then, my prayers are as follows:
- May my boys hunger and thirst for righteousness.
- May they seek peace.
- Instead of repaying evil for evil, may they return good for evil.
- May they hold the relationship higher than their need to be right.
- May they show one another grace and forgiveness.
- May they serve and love one another no matter the situation.
“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.” 1 Peter 3:8
What have you found to facilitate healthy brother bonding and friendship?
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This is such great insight! Thanks for sharing, couldn’t have come at a better time. I have three boys ranging in age and personality. I desire greatly that they will always have a close relationship. One thing I have done is help them find a common interest. Providing time for them to do things together that they all enjoy can sometime be easier said than done, but worth it.
Thanks Amy! Great, great idea! With the holidays coming up, there are lots of opportunities to involve the boys in a service project together…bake cookies for a friend/neighbor, put together an Operation Christmas Child shoebox, take care of a friend’s pet who is out-of-town (okay maybe not that last one…).
Have a great day!
SO GOOD Heather! I am tearing up right now just thinking about them being life-long friends! Praying for this daily! Wonderful post!
Erin M.´s last [type] ..31 Days: Give Them Space to Be Kids
thanks for the encouragement friend! From your sweet instagram pics and your heart, I’m pretty confident you are well on your way to some awesome brothers. Just wait until your littlest guy joins the mix and knits his heart and thoughts with your older boys…it’s magical!!
My boys are 4 and 5, so this post completely resonated with me. This year my boys are in different schools for the first time. They are making new and separate friends – both have their own little worlds outside of our home. That is a good and healthy thing. Still, we want them to maintain their natural closeness, and one way we’ve done that is to make sure they have plenty of time to play, just the two of them. Sometimes I say no to a play date or activity because the boys need the sort of relaxed play that only comes when it is the two of them at home. Though it seems far off now, I know that their time together under one roof is limited and that this bonding time is important. Thanks for pointing that out in this great post!
Courtney´s last [type] ..31 Days of Quality Time :: Day 24, What To Do With All That Extra Table Time
I have four boys fairly close in age (6, 2 1/2 year old twins and 1). We are homeschooling, so they will be spending LOTS of time together and it’s my constant prayer to teach them to honor, respect and serve each other. Otherwise, it’s gonna be a loooong 15 years or so! Thank you for the advice. Some things I find myself repeating are, “use your words, not you whines” (to encourage the younger twins to speak to each other) and “use a gentle vocie” from “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” Proverbs 15:1. One of the twins, who has a very…erruptive…personality challenges me throughout the day to use a gentle answer as well! Also, the twins share a room and already I can see how they are best buds (even though they have completely different personalities). It’s an amazing and challenging journey!
Thanks for this post. I really need this for my 4 boys. It is always struggle to keep them from fighting and me getting overwhelmed by all their energy. I love reading your blog. Thanks for sharing your insight.
oh yes the energy and the fighting! The week I wrote this post my boys fought more than ever. seriously. At the end of the day they have each other’s back and if anyone every attacked their brother they would stand right up and defend him. I remind them it’s us against the world and we need to stay united! Thanks for your encouragement.
I love this! I have two boys and I wish so much good to come from their relationship. I just did a short and sweet post about brotherhood today!
molly´s last [type] ..31 Days of the Shred: Day 23 (and a revelation)
Heading over to check out your post now! Brothers are the best!
amazing! i had this thought just last night (for the first time) when my 3 and 5 year old were jumping on my bed….”i created brothers.” it was the first time that my awareness was turned toward their brotherhood. my mind wandered to all the good things first – being best men at each other’s wedding, etc. – but then turned toward, what if they don’t get along/like/respect/have a relationship with each other? lots of families are torn for various reasons – and my heart ached at the thought of my 2 little bouncing, smiling, giggling boys not speaking to each other some day.
this post was divine intervention for me today! thank you for sharing!
So very thankful it was helpful to you. Enjoy those sweet moments between brothers and keep casting a vision of the “best men” at each other’s weddings. love that!
I have 3 boys who share a room and range in age from 7 to 11. I think the key to the examples of poor relationships between brothers all can be traced back to parenting. Favoritism and manipulation were typically traits exhibited by the parents involved. Trying to force kids to more like the preferred sibling is an issue… that whole comparison thing wreaks havoc on kids.
That being said, I am, by no means, a perfect mom. I will say that I do encourage them to work some things out on their own. I encourage them to work together and bear some group responsibility. I’ve told them on many occasions, typically when one of them is grumbling about not liking each other, that Brothers are special because they’re the friends God picked out for you and He thought it was so important for them to be friends that He made them friends for life.
I also encourage healthy boundaries. Not everything is a group effort. I love having boys! I love the idea that these boys are going to be buddies for life.
I find encouragement when I consider my best friend growing up, Jeremy, had only one sibling, an older brother. They fought like crazy. They seemed like they hated each other. They would get into physical fights. We all thought that they would just go their separate ways when they became adults. That couldn’t be further from the truth, they are best friends, not just brothers forced together by God and their parents. So no matter what it looks like, what you sow into them now, will affect them for the rest of their lives.
Brina´s last [type] ..Inherited Religion
I got similar advice from a friend before my first was born and now with the two boys being 3 & 5, it’s already made a difference. But you go into a little more detail, so thanks for the added learning.
And I particularly love… “May they hold the relationship higher than their need to be right.”
Hi Heather, you mentioned 3 family rules. I loved the simplicity (and yet so hard actually doing it) of ‘honor others’ and wondered if you had done a post on your family rules as I’d love to hear more about them?
I was thinking exactly like Suzie…I would love to hear your family rules. I have wanted to have some Biblically based “rules” for quite some time, but my tendency would be to go overboard. I could use some basics.
As many others have said, this post came at a perfect time. A neighbor (MOB of 2) and I (MOB of 3) were talking about our boys getting along well. Frustration had set in, but this post came about a day later. We marveled in God’s goodness when we need His wisdom. Thanks for being the conduit!
This was so inspiring! I have a 21 month old and my second is due in December. Raising two boys seems like a huge feat especially having grown up as an only child! I thank you for these encouraging words and ideas. I thank God for his blessing on our family!
Shana´s last [type] ..Weekend Dreams
Thanks Amy! Great,
Our 1st and 4th sons are 12 years apart – So I often told the oldest 2 it would be their jobs when they left home to keep building memories with the younger 2. The older ones would remember many things about the family but the younger ones (as most people don’t really recall very early childhood) would have less to base the brotherly relationships on.
They really took this to heart and did well keeping in touch and now all are grown and have some great things going on between them. They do know they have forever friends in family. One is planning a tattoo with this theme.
Their dad thanked the 3rd for being such a great help to the 4th after a recent accident/cast event. His response “Of course. Isn’t that what family is for?”
When they were younger there were many days of discord and challenges; but when a calm and peaceful time was underway, or they were playing and interacting amiably, I would quote Psalms 133:1. “Behold! How good and pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!” I tried hard to notice and praise the good times (instead of just showing up and yelling during the bad times.)
Eventually when I would begin to say, “Behold….” they would chime in and say the rest with me!
I am so very blessed with these young men.