I’ve never parented a girl through the teen years, but I can tell you that mothering a boy through them can be a roller coaster.
I did it and survived—four times!
So hang on. Get prayed up and put your patience hat on. And know you’re not alone.
One way to lessen the anxiety is to keep a good communication balance during your son’s teen years.
Know that there are times to talk, times to listen, and times to be glad for the silence—even if it’s sullen silence. Don’t expect him to talk when he’s upset or his pride’s been wounded, or even when he’s just having a bad day.
But be available to listen. You can’t force him to talk; you’ll just make him dig his heels in deeper. Be patient, loving, and don’t give up. Fix him some food. Sit at the table with him and wait for him to talk. (Food works for my boys. Alone, with me and food, they spill their guts.)
Don’t talk him to death. Put your two cents in and stop. End with some love or encouragement, even if he doesn’t seem in the mood to hear that. Chances are, he’s just waiting for someone to affirm him, even when he’s at his worst. Think about it—the people who love us when we’re unlovely, really love us. So, show him that.
Communicate your love for him through your actions. Even if his arms are crossed and his face is set in a scowl, give him a quick hug. Bake his favorite cookies and send a little love his way.
Make sure home is a haven—a safe place. Demand respect for one another in the family, brother to brother and across the board. Our teen sons have enough to deal with out there in the world; home should be a place where they know they’re loved and safe and graced. No matter what happens out there, here at home, we’re for you.
Some days will be a breeze and a joy; other days, you’ll feel like you’re walking a tightrope with no net. Again, know you’re not alone. Find community, someone to talk to who has been there or is walking the same road. Turn to your Heavenly Father, for He holds all the power—to help your son, to calm your heart.
Oh, I wish somebody could email me this in seven years! Your description of a welcoming place for teenage boys kind of helps me see my husband in a different light, too.
Thanks for your words of wisdom!
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There are all great tips! What has helped me is to keep my emotions in check, and to stand firm as I hold the line when disciplining or setting guidelines. Right now, my formula is: pray pray pray, communicate communicate communicate, and love love love.
As you know, we’ve successfully, by God’s grace, gotten two boys through the teens and are on our last one. These are great tips. Laying a groundwork of respect and obedience in their early years really helps in the teens.
The greatest advice anyone gave me regarding the teen years was not to dread them and not to expect them to be terrible. That can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I could talk with my oldest and youngest easily, but my middle one was the hardest to communicate with in his teens. He opened up most when we were in the car. I guess there was something about not actually facing each other that helped him. We can talk with each other easily now.
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Pick your battles! Some things really aren’t worth having strife over. Put aside the little issues and be ready to tackle the bigger ones.
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This is TERRIFIC! With my oldest son entering middle school this year and his brother only one year behind, I think this is getting taped to the wall in my closet!
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I think what would have helped me (and being a girl, maybe this is different) would have been if I’d really had a close-knit relationship growing up. Many of my memories are wrapped around sitting around watching tv with my family. So sad. My family watches tv now but we do so many other things to hold us close together now.
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