I’m raising two rough and tumble, loud, aggressive, highly physical boys—and I affectionately refer to them as…
Those boys.
You know, the ones that often end up with letters behind their names? (ADHD, not PhD… just in case you were wondering).
For days that aren’t so loud.
For hearts that acquiesce.
For smaller, less dramatic reactions to their problems.
For a little more “go-with-the-flow,” and a little less “dig their heels in the ground.”
For builders instead of CRASH-ers.
For tossers instead of throwers.
For hand shakes instead of tackles.
For pouting instead of hitting.
A case for “those” boys
The one criticism I hear of my boys over and over again is that “they’re just so rough!” Sometimes it comes after they’ve gotten too excited wrestling with a friend. Other times it comes veiled as a statement in passing…”they’re wild as bucks!” but I know what it means.
What they’re really saying is, “you should control your children better.” “You’re doing something wrong.” Or worse… “There’s something wrong with your kids, and I don’t want my kids around them.”
It’s taken me seven years to be able to firmly reject those words as lies.
Believe me friends, I know my boys. No one knows them better than me. And because they live their lives out loud, I know what’s in their hearts. I know when they have an issue with sin because it rears its ugly head loud and clear through their over the top actions.
They wear their hearts on their sleeves.
And finally, I can say that I’m glad.
It’s the same sin
My husband and I sat with our toes in the sand a few weeks ago during a much-needed time of togetherness, alone. And like most parents who finally get some time away from their kids, we talked about them the whole time.
We counted our blessings, renewed our vision, and thanked God for giving us “those” boys.
We decided that it’s actually a blessing to have boys who share (and wear) their hearts and emotions so openly. Because while we may not always know how to handle our boys, we always know what’s in their hearts. And that’s most of the battle.
You see, when a boy is quiet—pouting instead of hitting, walking away instead of tackling, hiding his thoughts and feelings from his parents and those around him—it’s easy to think his heart is all good, and overlook the way he might be sinning that no one can see.
But it’s the same sin.
The reaction is different. It looks and feels different, but the heart issue is the same.
How do I know?
I looked like a good girl, a model Christian, someone you would’ve wanted your children to be around. But my heart was far from God.
The outside of the cup looked clean, but the inside was dirty.
I know firsthand what it’s like to be someone whose sins are less visible…but it’s often the silent ones that are most deadly—the ones no one can see that are left to fester and grow.
May I speak to our hearts for a minute moms? All moms?
Whether you have a quiet boy, or one of “those” boys, your boys still sin. And most likely, though their reactions may look different on the outside, the heart of a quiet boy and the heart of one of “those” boys are much more alike than they are different.
Pin it and link back here!
A quiet boy isn’t better than my loud ones. My loud ones aren’t better than your quiet ones. Not in the eyes of God.
So why do we want them to change?
Isn’t it really more for our sake than theirs?
It hurts me when they don’t get invited to birthday parties, or when I see the judgmental stares. Mom, dad, I see when you move your boys away from mine, and it stings. Because I’ve learned that “these” boys of mine? It’s just who they are. And it takes all different kinds of men to change the world.
So today, I’m believing this:
God made my boys (and yours?) loud, stubborn, and ready to tackle life head-on because it best serves His purpose for their lives. And maybe they WILL have letters other than ADHD behind their names one day. Something like:
Rescuer of the innocent
Fighter for justice
Hero for the helpless
Tackler of the enemy
Stubborn for righteousness
Crasher of plans for evil
Loud for the Lord
Question? Can you do me a favor today friends? I have this feeling that the majority of boy moms who find their way to the MOB Society blog do so because they have at least one of “those” boys, and just don’t know what to do. Your boy might look a little different than mine, but if you’re a mom of “those” boys, you get it. You know what I’m saying.
Would you proudly raise your hand to say, “That’s me. I have one (or more) of “those” boys, and I love them more than life. I vow today to fight for them as hard as I can.”
If that’s you, just leave a comment. All you have to do is say, “me.” Tell the world so other moms know they’re not alone.
If you’re ready to fight for your boys, read the next post in the “those” boys series, “Praying for “those” hard-to-handle boys.”
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Please know that this article is in no way attempting to make excuses for poor, inappropriate, or sinful behavior. It IS attempting to begin a battle for “those” boys, and ask the world around them to see their value and worth.
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Thanks for this, I really needed to hear this! My oldest boy, age 6 is one of those boys! I have always been telling myself one day he will be something great, it’s just so hard right now…this really helps me to see him in an even different light to appreciate all those qualities now too!!
Me!
Me
Thank you so much for this post. I definitely have one of ‘those boys.’ I’ve gotten the look, and words from others that say my boy just isn’t behaving like they think he should, or that imply that I’m not raising him right. I almost hesitate to say how sweet he is in front of some people, because I’m pretty sure they’ll give me “the look”. I’ll be the first to admit that he isn’t perfect and that he does sometimes show bad attitudes, disobey, etc., but he is an amazing little person. Criticism of my parenting doesn’t feel the best, but much more than that, criticism of my boy hurts. It’s good to know that there are other families out there like us.
ME! My boy is most definitely one of those boys. I have gotten the thinly veiled comments that imply that he is an unholy terror. I’ve been told he’s a tornado. Someone the other day vewry politely said, “Wow, he’s kinda defiant, isn’t he?” My thought was, “Oh, childless couple, your day is coming!” I just smiled and said, “Sometimes.” I’m thankful for a pastor who, after those really rough Sunday mornings of me trying to control my whirlwind, never fails to stop my on the way out and say, “You’re doing a good job. Boys like that have sooo much potential!” He often hugs my little guy and tells him he’s a good boy. Thanks for the encouragement and the reminder that we are shaping the heart, and it’s the heart that counts.
ME! Love him with every fiber of my being, and so very thankful for him. He was God’s answer to many prayers.
Me! An intense 3 year old who feels things so deeply and lets me know with such drama! I’m praying that the Lord uses those traits to use him to build the Kingdom of God in mighty ways.
Me…Thanks for the insight. Brought some relief to understand that all boys are more similar than they are different. It’s how my boy expresses it. Just found this site & love the encouragement it gives me as a mom to 3 little boys under the age of 4!
ME!!! Thanks for this, it teared up my eyes… I was one of “those girls” (a tomboy and rough and tumble, not like most girls!) and his dad was one of “those boys” labeled as rebels and hyper active, but I tell you, we’re good, hard working, kind and giving people today if I might say so myself (road rage here and there the exception) and that’s what counts because no one gave up on us, they kept trying, teaching and praying.
Yes me too. Only I have a boy and a girl who is younger who loves her brother and wants to be just like him every part of him even the loud boisterous borderline obnoxious part. This is just some of the stuff he has done. http://familyupdatespack.blogspot.com/2012_08_24_archive.html
Kay-Lynn Pack´s last [type] ..Light at the End of the Tunnel
This explains my lil K to a “T” He wears his heart on his sleeve and has a heart of gold, but can easily get over excited!
Me, me, me!!!
Me too, me too… I love him so, and though some days I have to fight to remember that he is an honest-to-God miracle, especially when I am shaking with exhaustion after trying to keep up with his mercurial temper, and hyper-kinetic play for hours on end… this is the same boy who curls up in my lap for bedtime stories, and grabs my face to look me right in the eye when he says “I love you Momma, best of everyone.” It kills me that he never gets invited to sleep-overs, and that I am forever having to mediate dust-ups with the neighborhood kids. I’ve been fortunate to have the kind of friends who “get” him, and also, the unkind looks from those who think he’s utterly undisciplined. I often want to tell them that I genuinely pray for days that don’t require discipline at all, that he could get through an entire afternoon without scolding or punishment, a day when any deviation from schedule won’t result in catastrophic meltdown. Not just for me, but for him, too… So – I take a breath and remember when the doctors told me to be prepared to say goodbye, and when another set of doctors declared him perfectly healthy a year (and uncountable prayers) later. He’s a miracle, and I love him so.
Me
The beauty is that if they’re not crushed, they will later have spunk enough not to follow the crowd when it counts and strong enough to stick up for the underdog.
Me.
Marni Arnold´s last [type] ..Healing Space Isn’t Alone Space
Me x3!! Maybe 4! We will see once #4 is older than 2 months.
I’ve got one of “those” boys and another who I suspect will be as well (he’s 14mo. right now). And if history repeats itself, I’ll give birth to another one in 2 months. It can be hard and frustrating, but it’s such an awesome blessing to love and be loved by little ones who feel so intensely about everything. My husband and I always say that we don’t want to squelch our boys, just wrangle them a little
Thanks for your post!
Yes, ME!!!
Kerry´s last [type] ..Amazon gift card {from Hannah}
I have 3 of “those boys.” My middle and youngest in particular. So hard some days.
Me! Me! Me!
Thank you for this – for giving Moms of “those boys” permission to let them be who they are.
Thanks for your article. It was just what I needed to read as I sat here trying to remain calm as “my boy” was freaking out in his time for wrestling with his twin sister (who by the way is just as rough, loud and difficult as her brother). I will continue to pray and fight for my children. It is nice to know I am not along and other people face parenting problems like me.
Thank you for writing “those boys” article. My husband and I cried as we read it! Finally someone got it! We love our son so much – we just needed to hear that
thanks again.
Me! He’s 16 now and he has helped me grow into a better parent and person and a women of strong faith. Through him I’ve learned to love my boys truly for who they are and love me for who I am, regardless what the world tries to say about us.
Me, one of both actually one of “those” boys and a quiet one
Thank you, thank you, thank you…I am fighting to keep from crying at work (a night shift RN) and this is just what I needed. Got some bad news from school today (once again) and after reading this, it reminds me of how much God has Blessed me with our little ones. I don’t feel so bad knowing I am not alone in having one of “those boys” and that God’s plan for them is so much greater than I can ever imagine.
Me! Thank you! I have 2 of “these” boys. Both miracles in their own right. One 8 and one 4. For years thought I was a ‘bad’ mom & couldn’t control my kids. But God has shown me that He made them just the way He wanted and He has great & mighty plans for them. Thank you for the confirmation. God is good!!