Those silent diagnoses that rip the innocence from your boy….
Recently I encountered one of the most frightening moments in a mother’s life, as we sat in a psychiatric emergency trying to wrap our minds around why our 12 year old baby boy would ever try to take his own life. How did we not see this coming? What had we done wrong as parents?
It was the longest week of inpatient care ever. And I thank God (even to the doctors) that He gave me the diagnosis before they did. (Oppositional Defiant disorder, with a side of ADHD, topped with a nice serving of depression.) A long week that led us to information overload, a cry for help….
Why Lord? Why can’t you heal him? He is your child, why do you let this silent disabilities take over him? I know now….for His glory!
And on a good day, my sweet boy knows that too…
After much reluctance and even more prayer we approved of one medication (they were pushing for 2-3)….one to treat the ADHD, hoping that would help him function better and he would become less depressed. Mostly, that has helped. The biggest issue of all though, is the one that has no treatment, very little insight, and very little answers.
ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)
There is often the question in the back of our minds: “How much of this defiance is of his will, and how much is totally out of his control…and…how much of it is truly a spiritual battle?” You see, He gets set on something, digs his heels in, and that is all. She. Wrote…..Unless you can be creative. Finding ways to work around him and make a way for him to feel like he is in control, but really you are.
It isn’t easy.
We have sat in the floor in the corner of the foyer at church huddled for an entire service.
We have cried.
We have spent countless hours under his bed (that seems to be his place of retreat)
We have prayed relentlessly.
We have even paid our son to participate in required school activities that he despises.
Do you have a son with one of those “silent” diagnoses? One that doesn’t seem like they really affect your child? But really it does!
Do you ever feel you are to blame? Where you went wrong? Why God allows this in your baby?
Rest assured weary mom, He has great plans. For you. For your son.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”~Jeremiah 29:11
Know that He has great plans for our sons. We just have to pray and love them through it.
Even in the days we fail.
Stacey is a: Saved by Grace, God fearing, Bible believing, Child of the King! She and her husband of 14 years are raising their 5 sons in a small town in Southeast Michigan. In her chaotic world of full time employment, being a wife, raising 5 boys, pursuing Jesus, laundry, dishes, carpool, and so on: She is STILL trying to fulfill God’s call in her life…..to share her story, her battles, her triumphs, and testimonies from being a teen mom from a drug addicted home, to being the not so perfect wife and mother she is today! Her prayer is to lift up and encourage others through the words that God lays before her! You can find her at Multipurpose Mom. You can also “like” her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter. She can’t wait to meet you!
Hi Stacey,
Thank you so much for sharing the challenges you face trying to help your son with his “silent” diagnosis. May God bless you as you seek to bless and train your son to live well with his diagnosis.
Do you know about the website http://www.chosenfamilies.org that offers support and resources to families that have members (children, spouses, in-laws, etc.) with “hidden” diagnoses? It is Christian-based and seems very encouraging.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Jennifer, Thank You for sharing the link, I am going there now!
Stacey´s last [type] ..Silent….
Thank you for opening yourself up and sharing such a personal part of your life. It really ministers to me that you are able to grasp Jeremiah 29:11 while in the middle of this battle. Thank you for being a good example and putting yourself out there for us other moms.
It was a difficult decision to publish this, but it was time! Thanks so much for the encouragement!
Stacey´s last [type] ..Silent….
You just described what we go through with our middle son. We have a WONDERFUL psychiatrist he sees regularly for meds. He is still super young (6.5) but we have been seeing doctors about his insanely irrational and violent outbursts for almost 2 years now. Because he is still so young, they aren’t “officially” diagnosing him – but ODD, OCD, and Bipolar Disorder are three that have stayed at the forefront. For now, we treat his symptoms, and watch and monitor his growth. His meds change as he grows and his metabolism changes. His fixations also change often and we are constantly in a game of trying to figure out how to navigate the newest trigger. Right now he is on an excellent medication that has helped tremendously. (if you would like to know more about that, feel free to email me!)
Everything you said in your post, I have felt or wondered or done. Everything. I have physical battle wounds from restraining and emotional battle wounds from the day to day struggles. Its SO HARD as a parent, as a mom, to see your baby like this and know you can’t fix it with a hug and a kiss. My only saving grace through this has been my experience and knowledge of mental health – so I picked up on it quickly with him – and it has kept me from blaming myself more often than I do. I quickly remind myself this is no different than if he had diabetes or some other disease.
I have also wondered about the spiritual battle of it all. I think there is a spiritual element to it – but I don’t think its the cause. I think Satan sees a vulnerable child, a vulnerable family, and uses those weaknesses to reek havoc on our spirits and causes us to question ourselves…. to question the choices we make, to question our child.
On days when its hard to be his mom and I wonder if I am doing enough for him, wonderful friends remind me that I am chosen by GOD to be HIS MOM – and that my instinctual understanding of him is God given and I can’t doubt that. No one else is better prepared or equipped to be his mom than I am – because God placed him in our family on purpose. I hold on to that on the really hard days.
Sorry for the novel! haha! I just really appreciated you sharing your story and I wanted to tell you we are living it too. Sometimes it can feel lonely. ;o)
” I think there is a spiritual element to it – but I don’t think its the cause. I think Satan sees a vulnerable child, a vulnerable family, and uses those weaknesses to reek havoc on our spirits and causes us to question ourselves…. to question the choices we make, to question our child.”! Thank you for clearly stating something that it so important to remember!
;o)
Brandy´s last [type] ..Family Pledge Day 4 Update
So Important!!! Thank You!!!
Stacey´s last [type] ..Silent….
Thank You for sharing your story as well. Sometimes it can feel so lonely indeed. Often, I forget to remind myself that God CHOSE ME to be His mom. Thank You for that reminder too
Stacey´s last [type] ..Silent….
Thank you for sharing this. I have a 16 year old son with ODD, ADHD, and I believe depression (although no one wants to diagnosis that). Last weekend things came to a head and he is now staying with his biological dad. It is very hard to not feel alone, feel that you are at fault, and wonder why God is allowing this. I wonder why God gave ME this child when I feel like I’m failing him miserably, but in the same breath I have to believe that God has a very special plan for him (and me).
I often feel alone, at fault, like a failure and full of guilt. “Did I handle this issue correctly? Did I implement the right discipline? Did I cover him in enough prayer?”
Praying for you and your son!
Stacey´s last [type] ..Silent….
It hurts my heart to know that your son & family are suffering. I’m praying for you all, Stacey. In my pre homeschool mom days, I was a child & adolescent counselor. It is prudent for you to be cautious about medication, but I am glad that you & your husband are not totally resistant. I know Christian families that do not “believe in that type of medication” and it has been heartbreaking to see the progress of illness in their families. It is a fine line to walk, but medication can be an instrument in healing. Sending love to your family.
So very true Pam, Sometimes I feel like I am “allowing” these illnesses if I “agree” or “speak” the diagnoses given, I feel like…God can heal him, he shouldn’t need medication. But I also believe God gifted man to develop these medications….we cover every decision in MUCH prayer…Thank You for your encouragement!
Stacey´s last [type] ..Silent….
I had no idea you wrote this, Stacey, until I got to the end of the article..how amazing that we have yet another thing in common. Please know that God has your sweet boy in the palm of His hand and although this is one of the most difficult things to face as a parent, you will get through it. Our oldest son is 19 and had all of your sons diagnosis + more and graduated from high school last year and is now in the military. God works miracles and He will guide your family through this. Thank you for having the courage to talk about it, mama’s need to know others deal with these mental health issues every day. You are not alone!
Melissa´s last [type] ..Short Fuse
Melissa, Thank You….even just hearing that your boy graduated is music to my ears….currently he freely admits that he has no desire to graduate… {sigh}
Stacey´s last [type] ..Silent….
We have three boys, all with differing forms of ADHD, all with focusing problems, all with defiance issues, all with hearts of gold. Our boys are amazing young men, and getting them through school and life is tough. We have put up with bullies, concussions, sibling rivalry, the works. We too have asked ourselves those questions, “Why him, Lord”, “Can you cure him, Lord”. We too have cried, yelled, been yelled at and hugged and kissed. Our oldest is almost 20, almost genius IQ and just barely graduated from high school. Our middle boy is so unfocused that he seems forgetful to a fault. He cannot even remember to hand in assignments that he completes in class. Our youngest is facing some of the most difficult challenges with bullies and hyperactivity. Some people say that our boys are just acting out because we don’t discipline properly. Those people are no longer associated with. Stacey…Love your boy. He is God’s gift. You’re family is amazing and the addition of your son makes it more so. We send our love to you and your’s and may the love of God bless your house.
I hear SO often how I do not discipline properly….just because I have to get creative at times.
We even tried homeschooling to help meet his needs, he hates all aspects of it, and so by choice he is in public school. I know, that I know, that I know….God is going to use him!!!!
Stacey´s last [type] ..Silent….
I feel your pain! My daughter has ADHD & depression. She was diagnosed in junior high. Her depression was a surprise to us. She too was suicidal when diagnosed. We also were initially hesitant about medication and started with ADHD meds. But we realized that she needed more help. She is now 21 years old and has been taking both ADHD & depression meds. There have been times where we had to add additional meds to get through difficult times. But be sure to keep in touch with your doctors and if any symptoms are WORSE with medication, call them before your next appt. You will figure it all out. But please realize that you are not failing your child. If your son had been diagnosed with diabetes, you would not feel like a failure. So when your son’s brain chemicals are not working properly, it is not your fault. I am also ADHD with depression and it is AMAZING how many times God has used that to help someone in need. I share my ADHD & depression often when talking to new visitors about programs offered in our church like Celebrate Recovery. When I explain that it is for people suffering with addiction, depression, anxiety, abuse, etc., EVERY time that person reveals that they suffer with something, EVERY time. So it is no mistake that God can and does use our illnesses and disabilities to lead people to Christ. God once granted me an HOUR with a woman ASKING about the gospel while my 4yr old ADHD son was with me. Trust me, that was only of God. My son cannot be in an empty atrium with nothing to do. So, hang in there. His diagnosis only helps understand him better. Buy and read all you can but stay away from the books that say you can take away ADHD with a change in diet. Only 5% of ADHD kids respond to that diet. And that is only if they are intolerant of food dyes.
Welcome to the club of Christian Moms with children of labels. You will do fine. God made you his mother and you are doing a wonderful job!
Christian Moms with children of labels…..haha, never thought of it that way….something special for us, huh?
Stacey´s last [type] ..Proud Sheep
Things do get better! I have been in your shoes; prayer changes things. God bless
Yes prayer does…I can say that things are even better from where we were then.
Stacey´s last [type] ..Proud Sheep
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m a single homeschooling mom of 5, 4 boys and one girl. My oldest boy(11) has adhd and some learning disabilities and my 5 yr old boy has been dx with adhd and ODD.
Parenting keeps you busy! I too keep reminding myself God knew these children and I were made for each other and he will get me through the hard times.
Parenting does keep us busy, and sometimes all this “extra” stuff just makes a mom weary huh? So thankful for a savior to rest on.
Stacey´s last [type] ..Proud Sheep