A sweet blogging friend (and her equally sweet husband) bravely shared their story of how the snare of pornography trapped her husband and almost destroyed their marriage in the January 2012 issue of Homelife magazine.
I read the article to my children.
Not because I wanted to bring up a sensational topic or even because I feel comfortable bringing up the topic of pornography addiction with my 18, 15 and 14 year old sons but because this is a significant issue in the lives of men today. My sons will one day be husbands and I pray that being willing to talk to them about the subject of pornography will prevent their future wives the heartache that Kristen and her husband endured.
So, how do you broach this topic with your sons? And, what ways can you, as a mom, help them protect their eyes?
- First, don’t shy away from difficult conversations. If there is a strange charge on the cable bill or you find an inappropriate magazine when changing your tween sons sheets, don’t ignore it. Seemingly innocuous mistakes can lead to full blown addictions. Confront your son with love and grace, but also provide clear instruction on the dangers of something they may view (and much of the world views) as harmless.
- Put safeguards in place. With three boys in my home, there is not a computer that is not password protected. All of our computers are in common areas of our home. Our television has a code for shows that are rated over PG. There are apps that can be installed on your child’s mobile phone to alert you if inappropriate images are viewed and some that block them altogether.
- Be alert. As much as I invest in the protection of my children’s eyes at home, the fact is that they are subject to other influences. Non-believing family members, classmates (my children attend public school) and peers can all introduce your son to pornography without you ever knowing it. Be as alert as possible for changes in your son’s behavior. Do they act differently after coming home from a certain friend’s house? Do they let it slip that they watched a movie that you would not have approved of?
- Clearly communicate your values. Our boys should not have to guess why we feel the way we do about something. My boys are aware of the reasons their father and I feel that pornography is a dangerous tool the enemy uses to chip away at the heart of marriages. They know that protecting their heart is something that God takes seriously, as is the sacred nature of the sexual relationship between husband and wife. Don’t leave your boys guessing as to why you feel strongly about something. Provide them with the biblical foundation to stand on for those moments that you aren’t around to be their conscience for them.
There is a powerful scene in the movie, Fireproof
But reading stories like Kristen’s and knowing the battles that face our husbands and sons every day, it isn’t excessive at all. It is wise. And, we should teach our sons to make those types of wise decisions when faced with the temptation of pornography.
Question: What steps are you taking to protect your sons from the dangers of pornography?
After reading the Duggars book, we’re also working to teach our daughters to be advocates and help their brothers. We’re teaching them to dress modestly as well as a little trick to call out “nike” when they see a woman immodestly dressed in public. The boys learn to look down at their shoes quickly and avert their eyes. As summer approaches and clothing seems to become optional, it is not just digital media that can numb or ensnare our sons, but it can be the fellow shoppers at the grocery store, or even fellow visitors at the zoo and playgrounds. We must teach them to be vigilant and guard their eye gates in even the most “safe” places.
My husband also struggled with porn. Unfortunately it was a generational issue and he grew up with it in the house throughout his childhood. We’ve both gone through Every Man’s Battle, as well as the counterpart for wives and discovered that it’s never really just about porn. Somewhere there is a breakdown in true relationship. Out of that understanding we strive to cultivate healthy godly relationships with our sons, connecting with their hearts. To demonstrate godly perspectives of manhood and womanhood. My husband and I strive to model godly man/women relationships with each other and also our interactions with other men & women with biblical boundaries. My heart is to keep our boys “love tank” full of godly relationships so that they aren’t hungry and vulnerable for the snare of pornography.
Allison´s last [type] ..A New Family Tradition…
Similar to your story, my husband has struggled in the past, and it was a huge obstacle in our marriage. When it was brought to light, God truly brought his blessing to us in so many ways. And now it is our mission to instill purity in our home and encourage it in every way we can in the lives of our 4 boys. Even at their young ages, we try to teach them that there are things in this world that God doesn’t want our eyes to see. That He wants us to gaze upon & think about that which is noble, true & right (phil 4:8).
I love your positive perspective of filling them with godly relationships, and ultimately a complete dependence on Him. That is the only way they will be able to fight this battle & win!
Emily´s last [type] ..Win or Lose
Every Man’s Battle is a great book!
Melissa´s last [type] ..God is amazing (in)RL!
I feel somewhat nieve to think I hadn’t considered that significant stumbling block. My boys are 10.5, 7 & 3. I really like what Emily said about focusing on what is true and right and pure. It is a great way to teach our children. Something I need to pray about and wait on God to present the situation. Thank you for bringing this topic to light in regards to protecting our sons.
Bek´s last [type] ..Outside My Comfort Zone
Phil 4:8 is my go to verse for my kids too!
Melissa´s last [type] ..God is amazing (in)RL!
P*rn also almost destroyed our marriage and, as someone else mentioned here, it was a generational sin. We both grew up with it in our homes and while we hid it, we both thought it was a “normal guy thing”. My husband has, only by the grace of God and through a lot of long, dark nights, been in recovery for over 3 years now, praise you Jesus! We have three young boys and he is teaching them a lot. He makes them enter Target through the cash registers instead of the main aisle so they don’t have to go past the bikini displays this time of year. When we are at Meijer and there is no way to shop in the boys section without them seeing the girls’ underwear and training bras, he will challenge them to find a red wire on the ceiling. Yes, we talk to them about the heart matters, pray for them continually but we also need to give them practical, doable steps for when they are out in the world.
Do you have a link to the Homelife article? I can’t seem to find it on their website.
Mrs. K´s last [type] ..Fancy Brunch
I can’t seem to locate the article either at HomeLife. I would love to be able to read it. We are currently struggling with my husband being addicted to p*rn. We have 2 boys that are the ages of 4 and 2 yrs old, and I pray their wives will not have to experience them being addicted to p*orn.
We were at Walmart and a girl wearing a bikini walked in with her friends. Excuse me???!!! While I do not believe we have to dress like the 19th century to be modest, there is a balance!
Cover up loosely girls! I mean, I’m talking relaxed fit jeans, crew neck tshirts instead of deep v necks, and capris instead of short-shorts. Also wear bike shorts under your skirts and dresses if possible as there are creeps who like to drop things near you and use their phone-cams to take under-skirt shots of you.
My sons are really young but I don’t leave magazines laying around for them to flip through. I don’t think they would anyway, but I do pick them up. Not that I get bad magazines but even Runner’s World has some scantily clad women sometimes (jogging bra and bun-hugger shorts). And I don’t get Victoria’s Secret catalogs anymore.
But also a word to the wise. I know this is the MOB society but pornography is also dangerous for girls. I think the same rules above would apply to them. Growing up, my dad had a collection of Playboy magazines (I wasn’t raised a Christian) – they NEVER would have thought we girls would look through them, but we did. I’ve struggled off and on with that since I was 12. I’m good now but it was hard.
Randi´s last [type] ..heaping on the blessings
I just found the MOB Society last week through a friend and what a huge blessing it has already been. This article in particular. Pornography is like cancer…it can get very serious very quickly with little to no warning signs or symptoms. So many “Christians” are afraid to discuss this kind of thing with their husbands and kids. So thank you for the article. My story sounds very much like the rest of you. My boys are 7, 5, 4, and 2, but we are already taking steps to protect their eyes. My husband enjoys hunting and guns and has subscriptions to several magazines. And of course, since these magazines are geared toward men, they often have women dressed in slinky dresses (that look like they belong in the bedroom) to advertise a particular gun or bullet or fishing rod. I always take the magazines ahead of time and use a sharpie to draw clothes on them before the hubby and kids are allowed to browse. It’s kind of a joke…even my 7 yr old will bring me a magazine (closed with his finger holding the place) to let me “take care” of anything that I’ve missed. It’s so encouraging. My husband and boys are ALL in the habit of turning all commercials off while watching tv. My boys also know that they are not allowed to change the channel just to “see what’s on” another channel. And of course, we have a strong filter on our one computer that’s in the family room. In fact, I have the security settings so high, that I had to do an override just to be able to read this article and comment on it!
It’s little habits we’re teaching them now that will hopefully help them in the future. Do I really think that my 7 yr old is being sexually tempted by what he’s seeing? Not really, but he is learning habits now that will make it easier to look away when the temptations are strong. And to the woman who commented above about teaching her daughters to cover up? THANK YOU!!!! I am literally praying for girls like yours who will take modesty and purity to heart and save themselves so my boys have quality young women to marry. It’s time to stop passing on the generational sin and start passing on generational purity!!!!
Protecting the eyes is so important…they are the window to our son’s hearts.
Melissa´s last [type] ..God is amazing (in)RL!
I liked what the article said about paying attention to mood swings. Our son had become very sensitive and grouchy this past month and I was very concerned about this sudden change but couldn’t put my finger on the source. I kept praying for him and for my discernment. This past weekend I happened to check my search history on our computer. I could not believe what I found. Thinking it took place while his friend was staying all night with him I started questiong him. With tears in his eyes he explained to me that he had gotten the idea from an older boy at church and he wished he had never looked it up. We had a hear to heart chat about the dangers of this behavior if continued and I did bring up the Fireproof movie and am going to get a copy for him to watch. Wow! I thank God for his care in this matter and how he brought the whole thing to light. We must be in prayer for our sons DAILY and encourage and instruct them in the matters of the heart.
Being on our knees before our Heavenly Father is the best way to parent. I am so glad that you followed your mama instincts to find out what was going on with your son.
Melissa´s last [type] ..God is amazing (in)RL!
I’ve taught my 3 boys (11, 9, & 6) that they need to protect their hearts from sin and that includes inappropriate images. Recently, while shopping with my 11 year old I noticed his extreme embarrassment when we had to pass the women’s lingerie area on the way to the children’s clothing area at JCP. There was no way to avoid the area as it was at the end of the escalator. I asked him if he thought it was strange that women would want to wear such strange underwear over what God gave us to nourish our babies (he was old enough to remember me nursing our youngest). I told him that the world would like us to forget the true purpose and beauty of a woman’s body. Then, to lighten the conversation I asked him if he ever considered why they don’t make sequined udder holders for cows. We both laughed. It is so difficult to raise our sons with modesty in such an immodest world. It just isn’t possible to shield them completely so we need to arm them with understanding. Sometimes a little humor helps too.
Kathy´s last [type] ..let’s hear it for the boys! {boy mom #link-up}