Why is it that boys love combat so much? And why do moms have a fundamental disconnect with their sons about it?
A young mother came up to our table at a conference and asked to speak privately, “I think my son may be…a psychopath!” she blurted out.
“Why in the world do you think that?” I was startled.
“Well, he plays war all the time! And he pretends to kill people! And he pretends to get killed!” she said with horror.
After a little more questioning, we realized this was just a normal boy playing war games. See, when his mother thought of war, she thought of widows and orphans. She pictured her beloved son wounded, perhaps bloodied and beaten. Don’t we all, mothers? But when her son thought of war, he thought of honor and glory, laying down his life for his friend or family, nobility, courage, strength and victory over evil. You see, God made him for combat though he may never use physical force.
God designed our boys to fight, but to fight for right. To stand up for truth. To stand alone for Christ. To battle in the spiritual realm with prayer. The ideal is to be warriors for Christ.
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Godly aggression has a purpose in the physical world, too. One mom told us she’d never allow her sons to play with toy guns because “violence is wrong.” Really, is all use of force wrong? If someone is breaking into our house when Melanie is home alone with young children, we want the police to come and use force! In the physical world, our boys may need to protect their families or their country. They will almost certainly need to use moral force and fight with words as they stand for right.
So, our boy’s love of combat shouldn’t frighten us or disgust us. Instead, it should inspire us to direct it in a godly way. “Hey boys, let me tell you about World War II and you guys can pretend to be Allied Forces fighting for the freedom and safety of Europe.” Encourage them to pretend to be the noble, the righteous, not pretend to be robbers or evil. They can be Naval officers fighting the Barbary Pirates, Secret Service agents chasing down counterfeiters, Old West sheriffs hunting down rustlers, or policemen raiding a drug den.
And we should remind them of the most important battle they face – the one with the General that they can not see and an enemy which goes about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. Combat? Yes!
Inspire your boys to fight for right with Hero Tales from American History, written by Theodore Roosevelt to teach virtue through history and now available in an audiobook with sound effects!
Hal & Melanie
Hal & Melanie Young are the authors of Raising Real Men: Surviving , Teaching and Appreciating Boys, Christian Small Publishers 2011 Book of the Year, and parents of six great sons and two delightful daughters. Check out their home blog, Raising Real Men, join them on Facebook, and follow them on Twitter!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Brooke McGlothlin´s last [type] ..finding fulfillment {on what is enough}
Amen! I thought if I never allowed my son to have guns or violence in his life he would grow up to be peaceful. Except, there he was, pointing his french fry at a person and making “krr! krr!” sounds at the age of 18 months. His Duplo Legos were turned into long “sticks” with a handle and used for thrusting at his cute adorable stuffed animals and winging them up into the air. War and battle are built into their DNA and we just need to accept God’s plan and not our own. As mothers we can let our boys be boys while also teaching them about loving each other most of all so they are balanced and thoughtful instead of flying off the handle at every injustice.
Exactly right, Jackie! We had a lot more we wanted to say on this topic about how to teach mercy and forgiveness as well as righteous aggression, but our word limit ran out! Keep an eye out on our own blog for more!
Hal and Melanie Young´s last [type] ..Cheese Curds, Brats and Home!
I love that my boys play like that but sometimes it is hard to know how to redirect it in a positive way.
Vickie, the hardest part is probably just paying attention. This morning a couple of mine were playing loudly and I was trying to tune them out so I could accomplish something. Suddenly I realized they were being ugly in their play, pretending to be bad guys. I got their attention and explained why we don’t do that. It’s hard remembering to let that mom-filter keep working while we’re trying to do other stuff!
Hal and Melanie Young´s last [type] ..Cheese Curds, Brats and Home!
I don’t mind the playing war and making guns out of every imaginable material – legos, k’nex, boxes, sandwiches, sticks,etc – but I do have a problem with them using their fingers. That image just freezes my blood, it feels dishonoring to the Creator. I had friends that were sucked into the gang culture and they used their fingers as guns to be threatening and it was NOT a noble gesture. Am I wrong to say no to using body parts as “guns?” I love my boys and I do get a kick out of how they play. Being a mom to only boys, it is a true adventure to be their mom, I always have to think outside my own “girly” ways!
Angela, I think this is purely a matter of preference! If you don’t like it, don’t allow it. You can do that in a boy friendly way, by just saying, “Hey, use a gun. Your finger isn’t a gun.” Recognize, though, that it may not bother others (I don’t care for it, either, but have lots of friends who don’t care) and Scripture doesn’t address it (except perhaps, “avoid the appearance of evil” if you’re in a place where that is seen as a gang thing), so it’s best to state it as a preference “We don’t want you to do that,” instead of “It is wrong to do that” – and we’re allowed to have preferences!!
Hal and Melanie Young´s last [type] ..Cheese Curds, Brats and Home!
That is a perfect description of my middle son. It is absolutely ingrained in him…what is funny in hindsight, is that his name means ‘warrior’.
Kathi´s last [type] ..Just Show Up
Too funny!
Hal and Melanie Young´s last [type] ..The Goal