He’s brushing slowly, his hand twirling in circles on the horses back. Really, he’s just been doing one spot for the last five minutes. There’s still dirt and hay clung tight to the horse’s magnificent body. We have the opportunity to come to Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch once a month to ride the horses for free and for my kids to spend time with godly mentors who volunteer there.
I am sitting on a bench in the sunshine and his horseback riding lesson has been going on for about a half hour. So far, he’s selected his horse and has methodically brushed one spot. And it’s not because he’s a careful, diligent, intentional sort of child. No, it’s because he tends towards distraction and forgetfulness and at the moment his mentor is asking him what he likes to do. He pauses, brush in midair. I can’t hear what he mumbles but he lets out a chuckle. He goes back to the one spot. I have the urge to remind him that there’s a whole horse left to do and he’s not going to have much time to ride if he doesn’t focus.
This is something we are always working on. Focus, Judah! Pay attention. His mind wanders on invisible trails that only he can see. School can take hours of constant redirection and frustration. He is not lacking in ability or aptitude but concentration. He twirls his pencil, he stares out the window, he goes to find the notebook I told him to put away in the school cabinet but didn’t because he was distracted then and forgot. And so it is in these areas that the ticking clock has produced a pressure cooker where my frustration boils, violently rattling out orders and commands: hurry up, why did you do it that way, do this, don’t forget, not that way… PAY ATTENTION, JUDAH! Focus.
After all, doesn’t he need to learn to do these things? How will he learn responsibility if he can’t follow simple directions without getting sidetracked? Isn’t it my job as a mother to make sure he gets his math done, his chores finished, his things put away? And so I am relentless in my correction. We end up at this impasse more often than I wish to admit. Each of us polarized, nothing actually getting accomplished.
I am slowing rising, about to point out that he should probably move on down the horse, be more attentive, finish the job and get to it, when I see the volunteer bend down and pick up another brush from the bucket. Still in conversation, he begins to groom alongside Judah, moving steadily. And I see Judah’s hand begin to progress also, past the five-minute spot and up the horse’s neck. I hear the volunteer say, “I really like how you took your time and made sure you got all the dirt off.”
Judah’s smile cracks wide, a sight I’ve rarely seen recently with all the tension in the house. And his pace picks up as he turns his eyes towards his task. He is working diligently, the praise bolstering his little heart. After all, I know how men need respect. How they were created to thrive on the respect of the women in their lives. I do this for my husband, but what about my son?
I am splayed open. Right there in the woodchips and sawdust, and glorious sunshine. I am struck to my core. My son needs encouragement and respect. He needs me to pick up my brush and come alongside him. He needs me to set the pace by example. He needs me to speak words of life, not rushed, impatient, snarky comments on why he needs to change. He needs to know that first I am in this with him, walking this life of mothering a boy in tandem with that very boy’s heart.
I sit back down. Close my eyes and relax into the chair and allow the sunshine to wash over me.
Alia Joy is the creator, editor, and writer of the blog Narrow Paths to Higher Places where she hopes to encourage and connect with other women and inspire authentic love for God. Cynical idealist, homeschool momma to 2 amazing boys, Judah and Nehemiah and one precious little girl, Kaia. Wife to Josh, book wormy, coffee dependent, grace saved, writer of random musings, attempter of all things crafty, lover of mustard yellow, turquoise, Africa, and missions. Maker-upper of words. Disliker of awkward introduction and writing in the third person.
*********
Don’t forget to pick up your copy of the very first collaborative work from the MOB Society Writers! From Mom’s Failure to God’s Grace is available now, and your purchase today helps end Bible poverty for the people of the DRC, ravaged by civil war and in need of the hope of the Gospel. Just $2.99 for your Kindle or as a immediate PDF download.
This was an amazing, heart-hitting, article. I needed this – Thank you!
Becca B. {ironicadventures.com}´s last [type] ..St. Patrick’s Day Printables
Thanks Becca, I’m glad.
Thank you. I also have a son who’s easily distracted and who doesn’t always put the same emphasis on things getting done as I do, and I tend to snap and bark orders. Thank you for reminding me that he needs my love and direction, not my impatience and anger.
Lisa M.´s last [type] ..Feeling mighty low
It’s hard because you really do need them to learn to accomplish things and focus but the way I often go about it isn’t bringing his heart into the picture. This is a big area I’ve been trying to remember myself. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment.
These are very good words for today. Thanks, Alia!
Maggie S.´s last [type] ..The Big Red Re-set Button
Thanks Maggie.
Thank you!
I really liked this line “He needs to know that first I am in this with him, walking this life of mothering a boy in tandem with that very boy’s heart.” It spoke deeply to my heart
Valerie, I’m so glad. It’s so much easier to command from afar but to mentor and be in the muck with them is really where they need us most. Thanks.
Alia Joy´s last [type] ..What Not to do When Parenting an Easily Distracted Boy.
With three homeschooled boys, who are ALL struggling with how to focus, pay attention, be kind to one another, be respectful to me… I needed to hear this today. How timely does the Lord work when we are in need of a message and He sends it at just the right time.
Tillie´s last [type] ..Recipe Day: (Vegan!) Almond-Apple Spice Cake
Tillie, So many times God has given me a word from someone that was just what I needed. God is so good to us. We need to remember that just as we are getting what we need for our hearts to be bolstered, our boys need that from us. I am constantly having to remember this when I start to lose it with my boys. Blessings to you as you teach your boys.
“After all, I know how men need respect. How they were created to thrive on the respect of the women in their lives. I do this for my husband, but what about my son?”
Thank you for that. I have learned through 12 years of marriage how to truly respect my husband for the man that he is. How encouragement and support always go further than nagging and debating. I had never stopped and thought about providing my Son with that same respect. I am the first woman of his life, it is definitely my responsibility to show him how a woman treats a man, not just the other way around! Thanks for this. My little man is only 3, so this reading will impact me for quite some time to come. I plan on printing out that above quote and keeping it as a reminder
Liz Hallberg´s last [type] ..Clubhouse Creation Station, DIY Sensory Bags
Liz, I am so glad you were able to get something out of it for your son’s future. I learned pretty late in the game how much I needed to respect my husband and God has shown me through the years where I was not doing that, and it has made a world of difference. And when I realized that my son needed it too, it did open my eyes to how I needed to respect him as a man-boy. My youngest boy is three and I’m glad I’ll have a chance to do it differently with him starting much younger. Blessings to you and your little man.
Alia Joy´s last [type] ..What Not to do When Parenting an Easily Distracted Boy.
What a beautiful story and lesson – thank you. I’ve been working on speaking life into my 3-yo, and have already noticed such a difference in his behavior (and in the mood of our home). I teach him that we need to “encourage one another and build each other up”, and I need to teach it to myself even more often if I’m to model it for him! Blessings.
Amanda, it’s funny that the lessons we try to teach our children are the ones that God is often working in us. He uses my children to teach me so much. Blessings to you as well.
love this! it’s so hard not getting caught up in the results of parenting and life in general. whether it’s in marriage, friendships, work, or our own kids, the world teaches us to hurry on, get things done, and aim for some ideal picture of success. the Gospel reminds me that I am nothing without Christ. when I start out the day with this clearly in mind, I find that I am far more gracious and patient with my son. simply because I know I am in the same boat as him.
Yolanda´s last [type] ..You Are More Important Than Stickers
Yolanda, you are so right. The world makes us rush through life without pausing to think that we are parenting for eternity not just for the immediate results. Thanks for sharing, it does help to remember that God is at work in all of us.
Wow, You also splayed me open. Reading this it could have been a day in my life…well, if we did riding lessons. lol Unschooling has really unloaded some of the stress, yelling and my litiany of “FOCUS! RONNIE!” I still feel lots of the frustration of day to day, normal stuff. Worrying, too, that one day I will have to send him out in the world and knowing that he will probably loose things, forget to pay bills and have a totally messy house because I haven’t “done a good enough job”. God knows my daily prayer of “Hey, it’s me again God, Could you please help Ronnie in focusing today, please lower my stress levels and remind me to use nice words. Thanks.” It’s heartening to know that I’m not the only one running after my son as he goes down paths I don’t see.
Wendy, I think it’s so natural for moms to feel the worry of how we are preparing our sons to be responsible and learn to focus but it’s so much more important that we do it with grace. And yes, you are not the only one. LOL
Ok. I’ve got to stop reading your posts. Second time tonight you’ve had me in tears! This could be my Charlie! Thank you so much for words that always speak from the heart and direct my eyes back to God. Now, no more reading Alia posts until tomorrow and only with a full dose of St. John’s Wort and enough childly distractions to only 1/2 way read it!
Or a large box of tissues? Thanks Jen, you are a wonderful friend and I’m so blessed to get to know you this year.
Alia Joy´s last [type] ..My Dad’s Blanket: A Lesson in Suffering and Humanity
Beautiful.
Thank you Brooke. I am sure you’ve had your share of distracted boys.
Such a timely word! I’ve been thinking the same things but reading it in your words solidifies it!!! Encourage, respect, come alongside & set the pace/example… Such simple things in theory but so quickly forgotten when I’m operating in what I call “my agenda mode”. Praying for God to change me in these areas. Thanks Alia Joy!!!