My three year old is an expert at tantrums. Spectacular, red-faced, roaring tantrums that make the very walls quake with his emotion. He can melt down over the slightest offense. Now, I could prevent these daily household disruptions by simply giving him whatever it is that he’s demanding – is chocolate sauce and Cheetos really such a bad dinner? Sour gummy worms for breakfast – surely there’s some Vitamin C in there, right? Giving in would make my life so much easier.
I was shocked once, at a Family Life Weekend to Remember seminar, to hear the speaker say that my job as a parent is not to raise a happy child.
I’m sorry, what?! Come again?
My job is to raise an obedient child who understands that every choice has a consequence – good or bad.
The funny part is – an obedient child is much more likely to be happy. An indulged child, conversely, is much more likely to be unhappy. If we give our children everything they want, they will grow up thinking they deserve everything they want. So often, both adults and children alike, we associate happiness with indulgence, when it’s really quite the opposite.
My older son is quick to remind me, however, that happy doesn’t happen in the short-term. He claimed just last night that I make his life miserable (because I asked him to put his own underwear away. I’m such an ogre.) He moaned about the unfairness of it all.
I tried to gently remind him that really, sweetheart, I’m not asking that much. You have a warm bed to sleep in. Clothes to wear. Food – plenty of it – to eat. Your life could be worse. We talked for a bit about what “worse” really means. I’m not sure he gets it yet, but that’s ok, I’ve got plenty of time.
In bending these rigid wills, in shaping these selfish hearts, in forcing the inward focus outward, I’m coaxing them into better human beings. It will hurt. They won’t like it.
Neither did I when it was done for me.
This morning, when I did not grant one of my preschooler’s whims, his reply was: “But I WANT it!”
The thing is, Lovey, life doesn’t always give you want you want. Learn now, learn later, but Love-of-My-Life-Little-Son – you WILL learn. And, later will hurt more.
But, better now than later. Better now when I can cuddle and kiss them and ease the consequences of wrong choices – even granting grace as appropriate. Because adult consequences, at least those of this world, don’t come with a whole lot of grace. In the grown-up world, there aren’t second chances, and saying “sorry” doesn’t make it all better.
So, pardon me while I go make my kids miserable. I love them too much to do anything less.
I love them too much to let them stay the way they are.
Adelle Gabrielson is a boy-mom of two, and has been married to her first love for 14 years. Retired from a career in marketing communications and advertising, she now spends her days working as a secretary at her church, and her evenings trying to keep peace between the boys. Adelle has been writing personally and professionally for well over a decade; you can find her work with Focus on the Family, (In)Courage, SeaShine Magazine, The MOB Society, Bay Area Parent, and MOPS International. Read more about Adelle’s life and times at www.AdelleGabrielson.com.
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P.S. (Two Things)
1. Yikes, we’ve been having a hard time getting our first book club started. Thanks for grace! We think we’re finally figuring out how things work in our forums, and hope to have week three of Raising Real Men up this Friday in that space. Until then, you can go back and interact with the info from week’s one and two! See you Friday!
2. Don’t forget to pick up your copy of the very first collaborative work from the MOB Society Writers! From Mom’s Failure to God’s Grace is available now, and your purchase today helps end Bible poverty for the people of the DRC, ravaged by civil war and in need of the hope of the Gospel. Just $2.99 for your Kindle or as a immediate PDF download.
Wonderful thoughts. Thank you!
I too am a “mean mom” who forces my children to do things for their own good. It was said to me once that we are not raising boys and girls (or just boys in your case), we are raising men and women. It’s not about now.
It occurs to me that I am often like this with God. He, too, gives me what I need rather than what I want. He loves me too much to do otherwise.
This absolutely resonated with me this morning. As a kindergarten teacher, I have been lamenting the fact that parents are so busy trying to keep their kids happy that they are neglecting to foster any type of responsibility. It makes it so hard for teachers.
Thank you for your insight and honesty. As a mom of two boys getting closer to manhood, I am so thankful for the “meanness” we used to achieve “obedience.” They stand out in the world because they are polite and respectful – it’s taken years of reminders, but God has certainly worked in their hearts and I know that the exhaustion of repetition and rules was worth it!!
Thank you for making me smile! Recently a friend told my husband that her son was really mad at her at the moment. “Good,” said my husband. “You’re doing your job.” Not that that makes my teen any happier when I want buy him a PlayStation, an X-Box and whatever else everyone else has.
–SueBE
SueBE´s last [type] ..An Open Letter
Fabulously said! It breaks my heart when I see parents bending over backwards to please their kids, leaving dinner parties to take them to an event, getting them whatever they want…the long term consequences simply feeding the “me” generation and credit card companies salivating to give them a card when they are old enough to get one, never mind issues with employment when they have to do somethings sthey don’t want to do in their job etc. etc. etc. Your comment about adult consequences it brilliant and so true. Great read
These are great words…for certain. And I agree to a great point. I have found, however, there is a delicate balance between training our children to be obedient and knowing when to let the fight go. We aren’t instructed to raise mindless drones, but thinking individuals who choose to obey rather than stray. Obedience is instilled not just us expecting our children to comply with us, but in when they know we do what we do out of love for them – and this sometimes requires us teaching them, through our examples to them, that some fights just aren’t worth the battle (especially in highly spirited and ADHD children). It’s not an easy thing to do, but with the guidance of the Holy Spirit at the center of it all – I firmly believe if our hearts as parents are focused on Christ, we will discerningly know when we need to press obedience and when to drop the fight.
Marni Arnold´s last [type] ..The Good About Darkness
Have you ever peeked at http://www.itakejoy.com/? She has a different perspective that really resonates with me.
Love this blog. I totally agree with the article today. Love and discipline. I’d would like to see an article on reconciling parenting styles. My husband and I bring very different ideas about how to parent and very different goals. I’m not saying that mine are better or his are better, but they are very different. We seem to be trying to meet very different objectives.
hi my name is Lysa i Have a fifteen year old boy .I Love Him so much and only want the Best for him .he sees his dad on weekends and i am so grateful his dad picks him up for church thats everything . But during the week its school baseball awsome youth group on wens .question i know he has home work he says he does it i just wish he would show ne he says u need to trust me i just want to develope a routine where he shows me and i see him taking hour to two and studying . any advise because we will have differences sometimes about it and then i will say i will email your teachers i just want to be good parent and do the right thing but in return learn to trust him and respect that just thinking if you had any ideas i do pray about it
What can I say. For 14 years Adelle has been my love, companion, confidant, encourager and rudder. I could not have asked for a better wife and am blessed everyday that we have together. I’m glad we’re on this journey together but most of all Sweetie, thank you for saying YES!