There they go again swirling past me, pretending to be warriors of great valor, parading through the house as they play the classic bad guy, good guy scenario. My busy boys play rough, wrestle, can be smelly, messy, loud and boisterous. These are the characteristics of boys as God designed them to be. In our society it is common for people to place a stereotype on boys with a certain image and encourage them to act out with a rough exterior.
We have all heard remarks made to boys like “hey buck up”, “be a big boy”, “boys don’t cry”, “grow up and take it like a man”. These are the common catch phrases that seem to be associated with the image of a boy.
Do you ever think that in the midst of “making them into a man” that we underestimate the tender heart and the softness that is under that tough exterior of our boys?
I know at times I have mistaken my boy’s harsh reactions and outward rough edges, for deep feelings that lie beneath the surface. For some reason we seem to think because they are boys and don’t show as much emotion as girls, that they don’t feel as deeply. The truth is that they do.
I can honestly say that the men in my house–my husband and three boys all have tender hearts that feel deeply at times. This soft side isn’t always obvious, and while they can be stoic in their demeanor, they can still feel within the deepest parts of who they are. I have seen it come out as I have hurt them at times. It breaks my heart to think of the times I have crushed my boy’s spirits, used too harsh of a tone with my voice, and come down on them in a less than graceful way. Again underestimating the hurt I was causing.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Psalm 15:1
I have come to the realization that as a balance to raising boys to be strong men who stand up for themselves, I also need to cultivate a tender heart within them.
I want to teach my boys how to have a gentle spirit, and to care deeply for others. I desire to see past the tough exterior and ask God to show me how to reach to the depths of who they are. Find the spark within them, allow the Lord to reveal how to love them, and emulate the gentle spirit that will take them into manhood.
- Any great leader must learn to be a servant.
- To be a man of God our boys must learn to love others in a real way.
- A man of integrity is one who can cry and empathize with others, who can come along side his brother in need.
That is what a real man is all about. Leading while caring. Don’t we all want men who are tender toward their wives, and children? Men who are aware of the needs around them, and making an impact on others as they reach to the depths of who they are?
I encourage you to look past the exterior of your rough and tumble boys and see the the kind nature that can be masked by sword fights and wrestling matches!
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5: 5
Q: How are you cultivating kindness in your boys?
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My boy is the kindest, yet meanest person I know. You are exactly right. Beneath the angry pushing or goliath threats are big emotions that he needs to learn to deal with. I would benefit from looking past his grizzly bear responses and into his heart more often.
kim S´s last [type] ..someone worth dying for
Kim,
I love this that you said…”My boy is the kindest, yet meanest person I know.” that couldn’t be more true. Yes it is challenging to see past that rough exterior, and tap into the sweet side of them.
Blessings to you!
Denise In Bloom´s last [type] ..Discovering The Gentle Spirit Within Our Boys
Yes, this is so important! One thing I’ve tried is to help my 3-yo learn to name his feelings. When he talks about how someone pushed him or took his toys, I ask him how it made him feel, and how he thought the other kid felt. I’ve also been working on helping him to be gentle with his baby brother. When he does something rough, I ask him if he would like it if someone did that to him. He usually tries it out on himself and decides it didn’t feel very good.
As for me, I need to work on using a more gentle tone with him and be more patient. I know my anger and impatience can hurt him, and that he learns to act the same way, which makes me so sad. Grace…
Amanda,
Excellent advice. Naming the feelings. Thanks for sharing what you do!
Denise In Bloom´s last [type] ..Discovering The Gentle Spirit Within Our Boys
Totally what I needed to hear today. My eldest, who’s 9, pushes all my buttons some days…and we take turns yelling at each other.
It hurts and I know it hurts him too. Thank you for the wonderful reminder to be gentle, while encouraging their growth into men.
Emily,
Oh yes they do push our buttons! I know this is God’s way of molding me and causing me to reflect on myself and emulate what I want to see in my boys.
Thanks you Emily for stopping byt today.
Denise In Bloom´s last [type] ..Discovering The Gentle Spirit Within Our Boys
Beautiful words, as a mom of 2 boys, I fully want to cultivate the tender side of my boys. I see it as making them stronger “gentlemen”.
Lori´s last [type] ..Blessings From God – Bible Study of Genesis Chapter 49
Yes Lori, it is a tricky balance as we navigate raising these complex boys of ours!
Denise In Bloom´s last [type] ..Discovering The Gentle Spirit Within Our Boys
I can’t agree with you more. Wonderful post. When my 4 yo gets really upset at something he doesn’t like (discipline usually), he has a tendency to equate that with his love for me and say he doesn’t love me anymore. My response to him is something gentle like, I’m sorry to hear that because no matter how mad I get at you I never stop loving you. It never ceases to amaze me how that calms his tornado almost instantly and brings his heart my direction. He will give such a loving, heartfelt apology. Thank you for this encouragement.
I love that Lynda. My boys have said that to me as well. I love hearing how you respond to your son.
Great advice.
Denise In Bloom´s last [type] ..Discovering The Gentle Spirit Within Our Boys
its so hard to find the balance…i work very hard at teaching my boys tenderness…and i get it from the other side that i need to allow them to be rough and tumble more…i want to help them to be a healthy balance of both…such a task we have
It’s actually kind of funny for me to read this Denise, because my boys are sooooo affectionate and sensitive. Don’t get me wrong, they can be rough and tumble, but they are little loves. Luke (middle child, oldest son) is moved to tears by beautiful music and always has been. He is so tenderhearted. There have been many times when I have disregarded that and hurt him deeply, and the only thing that I can do is ask his forgiveness hug him. He always forgives. Boys are a treasure.
Jenny´s last [type] ..Playing With My Memories.
We’ve definitely felt this contradiction in our house. My boy is a tender heart, he wears his feelings right out there on his sleeve (in a big way). But he’s also a full on rough and tumble, play hard, everything at full volume boy. We’re trying to teach him the balance by helping him name his emotions and recognize when his response fits the situation and when it’s over the top.
Cari´s last [type] ..Be transformed.
Thank you for sharing this! As a mom of a son that is rowdy, silly & ornery….the best compliment that in my heart, I am given is when I am told that he is such a sweet & kind-hearted boy! I admire my son for his sweet spirit! He is sensitive & empathetic to others, yet a typical rough & tough boy! I wouldn’t have him any other way, especially because those character qualities are why I fell in love with his dad! I love my sensitive boys! ♥
Christina E.´s last [type] ..Welcome to the New Year
This is such a timely post for me. My boys (14 months apart, the oldest just turned 4 today) can be so sweet, and yet they attack each other all the time. I am trying to help them learn to figure out their feelings and express them in an appropriate way, but I do not think I am doing very well at it. One thing I have been trying recently is to have this exchange with my 2 year old especially: Me “who made your hands?” him “God” Me: “and God made your hands for helping not for hurting.” I’m not really sure if it’s working. But I am trying to focus more on theirs hearts than on their behaviors. I have a long way to go though.
Stephanie´s last [type] ..Happy Birthday Little Z! Part 2: A Prayer for Little Z