We had friends over for a play date last month. When one of the friends touched James’s Thomas train, he melted down. His mom called him over to whisper in his ear that James is different and doesn’t know how to share, especially his special things.
Last week at the park a big boy was blocking the slide, making the other kids say a password to get by. When James tried to get by, the big boy said, “Say the password!” James shrieked and flapped, then he just pushed the big boy out of his way.
Special needs kids are different. That’s ok, of course. But kids don’t automatically have the skills and knowledge to know how to treat someone who is different. My sister has Down Syndrome and I very clearly remember the first person who made fun of “retards” in front of me. I remember the first adult who used that word also. You know what? They were mother and daughter.
So how can we teach our kids to show understanding for someone with differences they may not really understand? It starts with the parents. (This is especially true for homeschooled kids. Public school kids are exposed to a bigger variety of people. They see kids in wheel chairs, kids with Down Syndrome, and probably even have main-streamed autistic kids in their classes. Homeschool parents need to take full responsibility for teaching their kids about special needs kids they may meet at church, on the play ground, in a co-op, or at a friend’s house!) Here are a few tips on how to help your typical son know how to treat my son with special needs:
- If you know you’re going to be around a child with special needs, talk to your kids ahead of time. Explain as well as you can what his special needs are. If he’s autistic, he may not be able to talk. He may have trouble sharing. He may not be able to eat the snacks everyone else is eating. Help your child be patient and kind. Teach your children different is not bad. It’s just different.
- When seeing a child with special needs is a surprise (for example, you’re at the park and the little girl in the swing next to you is using sign language), model proper behavior for your child. Don’t stare, be friendly, and answer any questions you child may have with kindness (especially if the other child can hear you).
- Don’t use the “retard” or “retarded” as a synonym for “stupid.” Never. Not ever. Don’t let you children use it. Special needs kids, just like your kids, were created by God just as they are. Respect that. Respect special needs families.
Taking the extra time and attention to teach your kids about differences in people can make a big difference in how they treat kids with special needs!
Sandra,
Thank you so much for our wise words. I appreciate all of your posts on this topic. This is such a help to know better how to help my son have grace and patience with special needs children. Thank you again.
So glad to help Jen! Thanks for reading!
Sandra´s last [type] ..More Fun with #2
Yeah, so important. Another thing is to remember that they are people first! Even subtle things like saying “kids with special needs” rather than “special needs kids” allows them to be a person, and their “special need” just a part of who they are – not something that wholly defines them.
True Rae, sometimes semantics can make a difference. Thanks for pointing that out from your experience!
Sandra´s last [type] ..More Fun with #2
Love this: “Teach your children different is not bad. It’s just different.”
Nikki´s last [type] ..Bringing Focus to our Homeschool
Hi Sandra!
Thanks for this post. I didn’t grow up as a special needs sibling in technical terms. My brother has so many severe allergies that kids would often refuse to play with us. Kids can be so mean in so many ways.
But I also have a son named James on the Autism Spectrum. He is ‘very high functioning’ and we live and work in Africa where we are strange to folks anyway. In general, everyone has been very kind. But whenever we are home in the US, it is much harder to ‘blend in’. Yes, harder than when we live in Africa!
We’ve had more love and care in church communities than most I’d guess, but those few friends who sit you down and criticize your parenting leave scars. That sideways glance in the grocery store when my 8-yr-old has yet another accident or bursts once again into tears. Compassion for special needs Moms can be hard to come by.
Let us all learn to be ‘slow to speak and quick to listen’. So glad you are writing about this!!!!! It is very needed. Hugs from Congo!
Thank you for sharing Kimberly, all the way from Congo!
You’re right, compassion for special needs moms and kids is often hard to come by. Glad we can support and encourage each other in ways like blogging!
Sandra´s last [type] ..More Fun with #2
Thank you for writing this post. My son has special needs and it breaks my heart when kids are mean to him… sometimes because they just haven’t been taught otherwise, sometimes because they are kids experiencing someone different from them and we all fall short due to sin. Appreciate you spreading the word!
That’s a good point Mandie, many kids treat other kids badly out of ignorance. Hopefully together we can teach acceptance and kindness!
Sandra´s last [type] ..More Fun with #2
I am hoping the awareness of things such as autism, will bring about more tolerance and a better understanding. I think most often people are afraid or unsure of how to treat someone who may be different than them. Giving parents tips not only gives them a starting point in conversation with their own children, but makes them think about their own behavior. Great, just great! Every child IS a child of God and so treasured!
So thankful God creates each child wonderfully and perfectly according to His plan!
Sandra´s last [type] ..More Fun with #2
This is such a great post! My son is becoming aware of people’s differences and can be quite the stare-bug. I’ve been trying to model good behavior and give him something to relate to (his little brother has food allergies, so that holds our reference).
Great job Liz! The stare-bug phase is fun, especially when followed up by questions that allow you to mold his mind and teach him compassion for others!
Sandra´s last [type] ..More Fun with #2
Thank you for the pointers. I agree with them. However, I am a bit offended by your take on homeschoolers. I do not have a child with special needs; I have a bald child with cancer. She’s very ‘different” than other kids–more fragile, with lots of special needs. I have found the homeschooling community to be the most understanding and compassionate. I teach at an enrichment center with 950 homeschooled kids. We have kids with all kinds of special needs, and they are all accepted and cared for. I find that homeschooled kids are more likely to ask questions which I guess can be seen as rude. Personally, I’d much rather the questions to my face than the rude stares or comments behind my back. In my opinion, it is not the school’s responsibility to teach our children how to behave; it’s the parents’ responsibility–ALL parents. Do you realize the description most public schools give of kids with special needs? It’s not the “they are people too; here’s how we should interact with them in a kind way” that you seem to think. We’ve had all kinds of interactions with people……..the public school families are far behind the homeschoolers when it comes to compassion and understanding and dealing with my daughter.
Amy S´s last [type] ..The Elevator Pitch
Amy I am also a homeschooling mom and certainly didn’t mean to offend you. I’m glad your experience has been positive, but not everyone’s experiences are. Most homeschoolers aren’t around 950 other kids. Just like I have to teach my homeschooled son about people of different races, I have to teach him about the variety of special needs kids. Because he doesn’t interact with the variety of children public/private/co-op kids do, I must take full responsibility to teach him. The homeschooled kids you have been around are compassionate and understanding because someone taught them to be, which is my point. And I was a public school teacher who did teach “they are people too and we should treat them kindly” because that’s not always what their parents were teaching them. I’m sure we agree on my point, all parents should take responsibility for teaching kindness and compassion for others.
I must admit, I was a little offended by that part too because I have noticed in our homeschool community that they are more accepting and kind to those who are different than those who are in public school.
lesa´s last [type] ..As a parent, it just hurts
Sandra,
I do agree with you……..I wish that all children were taught from the beginning that everyone has value as a child of God no matter how they are different from anyone else. I also wish that each of us could see our value through His eyes and quit trying to find it in the world. I am extrememly blessed to live in an area with lots and lots of homeschoolers from all different backgrounds. Sadly, I find church to be the most difficult arena for my kids when it comes to others being just down right mean. When it comes down to it, we all need to teach our children and change the world one child at a time
Blessings to you and yours!
Amy S´s last [type] ..The Elevator Pitch
Beautifully put Amy! Unfortunately, I read in the book “Why, O God?” that 90% of families that have a family member with special needs do not attend church, so you are not alone in finding church a hard place to be! It’s heartbreaking! And you’re right, as we teach our children we can change the world one child at a time! Thanks for joining in the discussion today. I have appreciated your perspective!
Sandra´s last [type] ..More Fun with #2
Thanks for writing this. I’m a mom of three kids with autism/asperger’s and I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter whether it’s homeschool or public learning…people who want to be kind and understanding, will be. Those who don’t…won’t. That’s why I decided to do the ’31 Days’ writing challenge on Understanding Autism. It’s my job to teach others how to work with us. What they do with that knowledge is up to them. Thanks!
http://thebossymom.com/2011/10/31-days-toward-understanding-autism-day-1/
Susan Hill´s last [type] ..His light exposes…my darkness
My question is this:
We have a friend moving here within the next 5 years. She has a daughter who is 2 years older than my oldest and they have played together, yet her daughter is “annoying” and “pushy”-very socially immature due to development and special needs. She is impulsive and tends to forget what the other person just said.
I know that my daughter could deal compassionately with the kids with “Obvious” special needs: Downs Syndrome and pronounce autism, but this child can make you crazy, literally. I love her to death!
I have told my daughter to expect this girl to act her age ( 10) is being unfair to her. I told her that if she shows the patience that she would have when working in the nursery with toddlers who want to repeat things over and over, she would be less exasperated.
This child has no problem making friends, but keeping them has been a challenge due to her behaviour. They ( doctors, teachers, and parents) have not yet figured out if some of her behaviour is just immaturity and needs developing though practice or if it really is a brain issue.
Any other ways I can help my daughter show kindness, love and still be firm when this child pushes her to her limits?
Sounds like you’re doing a great job teaching your daughter how to have compassion already! When the other girl comes over to play, it would be great if there could be an activity she could do when your daughter has reached her limit, like play a video game or color in a coloring book, or something on her level she would like. I do that with my older son when he has friends over and I can tell they’ve reached their together time limit. If you’re close enough friends with her mom, you could ask her for suggestions too!
Sandra´s last [type] ..This Week
Have any of you been to Joni Erickson Tada’s site? She has a section just for kids! They just put up a link to some videos they made called “Friendship Adventure” or something like that which gives hits to kids about people with disablities.