I haven’t had many gentle words lately.
If my mouth really does speak the abundance of my heart, then I’m overflowing with anger and fear, lack of trust and doubt, lack of faith, and a desire to just give up. This is how it’s been of late.
I’m empty and have nothing to give. I’m feeling tired and have been sick. I’m not inspired to write unless I write about how incompetent I feel, and my utter and complete dependence upon a God I don’t feel is hearing my desperate pleas for help.
I went to bed that night wrestling with God. It’s happened before, these times when I know I’m in sin…helpless to change it myself, and I call out to the Lord and tell Him, “I’m NOT leaving until you give me peace!” Like Jacob refusing to let go of God until He blessed Him (Genesis 32:24-32), I tossed and turned for hours pleading with God to give me peace. Sleep found me still pleading with the Lord, “Give me peace! Give me peace!”
A weary mom
I’m weary. Battle-scarred. Beaten down from the fight for my sons’ hearts. I’ve promised God that I’ll never give up on them, never quit, but the temptation to wave the white flag is strong. I’ve come to the end of myself. My ideas for producing change have all failed to move them even an inch, and I find myself wondering if I really DO do my best parenting on my knees.
I’ve screamed, berated, begged, shamed, cried, disciplined, prayed, threatened…all in the name of change. And yet…
In the stillness of the holy moments right before bed, as I lay next to my oldest and see the man he’s becoming, I speak love to him. I tell him that mama loves his head and his eyes, his ears and his nose, his neck and his chest, his tummy and his arms, his hands and his fingers, his legs and his knees, his feet and his toes. I love every bit of who He is, and I love the strong, mighty, awesome warrior man of God that He is becoming. I love his kind heart and I love his protective nature. I love his desire to learn and I love that God has given him the gift of music…all for His glory.
It’s a moment of pure divine inspiration. When God allows two hearts, mama and her baby boy (who’s not such a baby anymore), to align and speak the heart’s language. He glows under the weight of this love, then pauses, thinks, and says…
“I haven’t been so awesome…”
His eyes look down as the shame and godly sorrow that I’ve been begging for come and visit his little heart.
Why is it that love given freely, washed over someone with reckless abandon, does more to change the heart than begging and pleading?
I think it’s because of the Son. The same Son who was crushed and beaten…who looked into the eyes and hearts of those He had come to save and loved them into repentance.
We’ve been loved into repentance. Why then, should any other attempt to change hearts, not fall short?
Are you a weary mom? Join Brooke and Stacey Thacker, of the MOD Squad (for mothers of daughters) in a joint ministry series called “Hope for the Weary Mom,” beginning Saturdays in November. Stacey will be posting at the MOD Squad and Brooke will post here at MOB Society, rotating Saturdays. Watch for the first post by Stacey on November 5th, and the first by Brooke on November 12th.
Are you a weary mom? Check out this comforting book co-written by our very own Brooke McGlothlin. It will be a balm to your weary mommy soul, we promise.