“Every man feels that the world is asking him to be something he doubts very much he has it in him to be.” ~John Eldredge, Wild at Heart
I hear so often people lamenting the fact that there aren’t many REAL men out there leading the way – in church, in families and so on. Is this discontent happening where you live as well?
And while it is good to ask questions, figure out root causes, and challenge men to step up where they are now, it is BETTER for us as moms of boys to take action NOW with the future men God has entrusted to us.
As I am re-reading Wild at Heart, there are SO many things jumping out to me as challenges directly to us as mothers to raise leaders starting at a very young age.
The first problem is with what our culture has been saying…
“The idea, widely held in our culture, is that the aggressive nature of boys is inherently bad, and we have to make them into something more like girls.”
I am a girl. The “aggressive nature” of my boys caught me completely off guard. And my natural inclination was to stifle that.
Bad idea…
#1 – It’s almost impossible to suppress.
#2 – That is not allowing them to be who God designed them to be.
#3 – In stifiling their aggressive nature, I would be taking away an essential asset for them as a leader.
When I say “aggressive,” please do not read “bully” or “dictator” or anything along those lines.
I know when the word “aggressive” is mentioned, Scriptures about turning the other cheek and peace and such will be brought up as a counter argument. I do NOT want to raise men who push people around. But I love what Eldredge has to say on this very point…
“Yes, Scripture teaches wise use of strength and the power of forgiveness. But you cannot teach a boy to use his strength by stripping him of it.”
This is where I needed a wake-up call. If we want to raise men who step up to all God has for them, men who accept challenges and fight battles, men who lead the way into new lands to conquer, men who STAND UP FOR JESUS, we cannot take away their God-given strength.
Which brings me to the next issue…
I say no too much – to running and jumping and play-fighting and the like.
I used to say it a lot more, but I am seeing the good that come out of situations that seem crazy and out-of-control to me. I let them wrestle it out and feel strong. I let them play-fight and they develop stories of good defeating evil. I don’t jump into an argument right away and I see character develop as one boy learns to listen or forgive or agree to disagree.
God’s designs are never flawed. He made our boys exactly who He wanted them to be so they would become exactly the men He designed them to be.
“But God’s design – which he placed in boys as the picture of himself – is a resounding yes. Be fierce, be wild, be passionate.”
And we are the ones to tell them YES to all that God made them to be, so that one day they WILL become the passionate leaders so many are looking for today.
Will you accept this challenge?
*****
**All quotes taken from Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. As a mom of boys, and probably a wife as well, this is a must read.**
This is great! I started reading the book but never finished. I’m planning to read Captivating soon so I’ll have to add Wild at Heart back on my list.
I too say no to the playing fighting, etc. My oldest lacks the ability to understand when someone is no longer playing and it’s turned into real fighting. And he has serious Anger and self-control issues so I’m praying to find a way to find a balance for him. I have said no to climbing and such in the house but have started taking them outside where they can be boys when I see the need arising.
I’m in for the challenge!
LaToya´s last [type] ..Waiving the White Flag
I’ve been examining that whole “why won’t they lead?” question in my own heart, with some surprising results. God has been reshaping my ideas of my husband’s godly leadership.
By getting up every morning and going to work to provide for our family, he is fulfilling a Biblical role of leader.
By encouraging me to pursue my personal goals and dreams, he is demonstrating servant leadership.
By loving our children, He is providing an accurate picture of a loving God- leadership.
He may not be leading our family in Bible Study every morning, but he is clearly modelling what the Bible teaches.
Perhaps we fail to see more males in leadership, not because of their absence, but because of our faulty definition.
Amen, Erin! That book helped me so much in understand my boy’s hearts and the heart of my husband. It is hard to understand all the rough and tumble ways, especially for a girly girl like me but I have learned through the years they do so much better with an outlet for their aggression and energy.
Wow — day two in a row of something I NEEDED to read about parenting my boys. Thank you for writing what God has laid on your heart.
Hyacynth´s last [type] ..Five-Minute Friday: Older
Another book to add to my list…I’ve been struggling with my son as he’s transitioned from toddler to boy.
Sara @ Happy Brown House´s last [type] ..My Favorite Family Portrait…
Good heavens, this is a great post! I only have one son, but three daughters, and I have been coming to this place in my mind of “What do I teach him?” His is nigh on 5, and of course Dad is working during the day, so he is the Lone Ranger ’round here. I need to read this book. I am all for boys knowing how to get along in the kitchen and around needle and thread, but I also find myself, like you, trying to shush his boyness. It is only in the last year that I have finally shushed MYSELF when he got his first toy gun (this summer at OBX) and plays with it, like the Lone Ranger (he loves those black-and-whites!). I am trying to see the good in this play, that it can be healthy. I am also trying to bring him into this understanding that he help care for and defend his older and younger sisters. Not that they are weaklings or anything, mind you! (nope, these girls are all head-strong!)
Again, thank you for the talk and suggestion of Wild At Heart!
sounds good; I’ve never read this one. I had it from the library once but got busy (this is when Isaac was newborn). I’ll have to pick it up again. Bringing Up Boys by Dobson is a great read, too.
S Club Mama´s last [type] ..the zoo
How can I encourage this in a boy with physical (but not cognitive) disabilities? He can’t walk well but that’s his only real limitation. And we don’t really have any other boys around for him to roughhouse with?
Sylvia, I am no expert as my boys are only 5 and 3, but maybe it is a matter of bringing him into adventurous literature and letting him take the lead in some areas he loves! There is much more to being passionate than just the physical! How old is he? What does he enjoy?
Erin M.´s last [type] ..Seasons of a Mother’s Heart: Getting Started & Connected!
But what if their play acting/fighting isn’t resulting in good overcoming evil?
Great question Elizabeth! Again, I’m still a newbie at all of this but I have two thoughts:
#1 – I don’t always hear the full scenario of what they are playing so I can’t always stop them when they are playing evil defeating good. And that’s real life I guess – we can’t always be there, and in this world at least, good doesn’t always appear to win.
#2 – When I DO catch this happening, it is a reminder to share more lessons on just how good GOOD is and how evil EVIL is – does that make sense? I love sharing Bible stories that highlight warriors for God , praying that the boys will WANT to be like those men.
And I pray – a lot – that they would WANT to be the hero in the story
Erin M.´s last [type] ..Seasons of a Mother’s Heart: Getting Started & Connected!
I have read wild at heart, two times, and I am still blown away by my boys aggression. What a challenge it is to steer them from being a bully or wanting to play the part of the “bad guy.” I feel so blessed that God found me up to this task, but without Him I would be completely at a loss!!
Amber´s last [type] ..Family Friday — the cattle drive
I LOVE the book “Wild At Heart” and recommend it to others all the time. My husband is a black-belt in jui jitsu and so wrestling and “fighting” has always just been another sport around here with our three sons.
Some moms worry their sons will be more “aggressive” if they allow them to wrestle, etc… I don’t think that’s the case if there are some good ground rules put into place and enforced. Our biggest: the wrestling/craziness ONLY happens “in the ring”. That is a designated time of rough-housing together. Outside of the “ring”, it’s NOT tolerated in our home or anywhere else. Our boys are perfect gentlemen at school and I’ve never had any caregivers or teachers verbalize any concerns with their behavior.
The other ground rule: if the boys get angry and their emotions get into the “ring”, we need to take a break or sometimes quit altogether.
Love this post Erin, I’m very passionate about this topic too!
Just this afternoon we are playing bad guys and good guys and my Son jumps in and says “Leave My Sister along, come after me instead”
It is a God given desire to Lead and Protect, a skill that is strengthened through role play type activity.
And I’m loving this blog more and more by the minute, the posts are wonderful, Thanks!
Blessings,
Valerie
Valerie McClintick´s last [type] ..Xenon Project: Remote Control Childhood
What a great post! I have read Wild at Heart and definitely agree that it is a must read for moms and wives! Reading your post has reminded me that I should probably pick it up again. Constant reminders are always good! Thanks!