Sometimes our obligation to protect trumps their need for privacy.

At fourteen, my boy-of-few-words texts as if he’s full of nonstop chatter. Which I know is common for any adolescent with a phone. But upon a random check, my curiosity peaks when his inbox and outbox are empty. As if erasing texts is a technique to hide something.

My gut tells me something’s going on. And being the mama bear I am, I begin to hunt. The clock chases me and I need to pick him up soon, but I log on to his Facebook account and start looking anyway. And what I find jolts me out of my chair.

There, in a private Facebook message is a picture. A picture of a girl, in what looks like her underwear, and it’s not the Hanes variety! She is posing and flaunting what she has, with her head cropped out of the picture in an attempt to be more seductive. And I recognize her name. She’s a girl from church who attends the mid-week youth service with her friends. And the comment she writes underneath her picture provides the suggestive language to match the image.

I scan the thread between them, and am disappointed in what I read. He responds to the scandalous sensuality she serves up on a platter. It’s an unsolicited feast, offered to his eyes for free. It is something he fails to resist.

I start the car and drive to the school, and a conversation ensues. He admits her behavior makes him uncomfortable and yet agrees it is flattering for a girl to give him that kind of attention. He knows what she did was wrong, but admits to feeling powerless to do anything about it.

The time to protect is now.

I get home and I do what any other loving mama would … I open my phone and dial the girl’s mama. At first he doesn’t want me to. He’s embarrassed and begs me not to call. But I cannot be moved. If that had been my daughter, baring her skin in a shameless and degrading way, telling the world her dignity is worth nothing and her virtue is of no value, I would want some boy’s mama to give me a call.

My heart races as I dial, and pounds harder with each ring. I’m unsure how she’ll respond but I am not turning back. She answers on the fourth ring and is shocked to find out her daughter has a Facebook page, or even knows how to upload a picture on the internet. She is so thankful I called.

I ask for her help in terminating our children’s interaction and she offers to block his number from her daughter’s phone. I offer to send her the picture if she needs it. And no more than 10 minutes pass before she calls me back, asking for the copy … sad that her daughter is denying it all.

Although my son is initially upset with me, several days later he stops, and he thanks me.

He thanks me for helping him manage a situation that made him uncomfortable.

A situation full of the potential to escalate.

A situation he may never have had the willpower to resist alone.

Sometimes our obligation to protect frees them even from themselves. 

In this electronics age, managing our boys and their electronics can be tricky. From texting, to Facebook, Twitter, You Tube, and Xbox gaming, it’s a fine line between their desire for privacy and our obligation to protect them.

Below are four tips to help us balance our boys’ desires for privacy with our parental obligation to protect them … words offered with the utmost humility, from a mama still learning the delicate balance herself.

4 Tips to Establish a Balance for Boys

1. Maintain complete password knowledge

As we prepare our children for adulthood we are responsible to guide, protect, advise and counsel. Without knowledge of what they are facing, we become handicapped at best, and uselessly incapacitated at worst. The bottom line is, if they want an account, we must always know the password.

2. Review accounts regularly, and more frequently if there is cause

Our boys deserve gradations of freedom as they show themselves to be responsible. Privacy is an earned privilege, not an automatic right. In order to protect them from themselves and others, it is prudent to periodically review their email, text, and social media accounts. As teens they are still growing and learning. And they need our guidance more than ever throughout these pre-launch years. It’s not about disrespecting their privacy, but about empowering them in who they are becoming.

3. Restrict erasing or deleting of messages without permission

In order to have the ability to randomly monitor emails, texts, and social media accounts, it is important there is no deleting without permission. This parameter removes the element of dishonesty which is so tempting for our boys and holds them accountable for their activity and interaction with others.

4. Establish an electronics “turn-in” policy

In reviewing my son’s texting history, I discovered he had been texting with peers up until midnight at times. Instead of sleeping with his phone quietly charging, he had been using it to interact. No wonder he was so tired every morning!

If we wouldn’t physically ring a house phone at a certain hour, then we shouldn’t be texting or interacting either. As parents, establishing an electronics station where items are turned in each night, prevents the temptation to use them at inappropriate times, and also helps to manage the endless distraction so rampant because of them.

Have you struggled to balance privacy with protection?

What tips would you offer to help in helping balance the two?